My guy and I have been together for 14 years and I've never felt good enough that entire time. He's always looked at porn and looked at other naked women (porn) and I never felt like I was enough. I gained weight over the last few years and currently in on the path of losing it. I saw him following pages and looking at photos of half naked girls on instagram and he's even admitted to trying to masturbate to them because his logic "what's the difference between that and porn" he doesn't understand it's a big fucking difference. I'm okay with hik watching porn. I'm not okay with him looking at half naked chicks on instagram. I told him I feel that's a form of cheating and he thinks I'm crazy for thinking that's cheating but not with porn. I started feeling awful about myself and started starving myself to lose weight because I didn't look like the women he was looking at. I still feel incredibly insecure and avoid sex with him because I don't want him to see me naked. He tells me in beautiful and how attracted he is to me but I don't believe it. Whenever we do have sex I get so into my own head, thinking how fat I must look and how he probably wished I looked better and I immediately get turned off and stop. I haven't been enjoying the sex whenever we do have it at all. I've tried talking to him about it but he makes it a personal attack and takes it as I don't want to sleep with him because I don't love him. He tries to inniate sex alot and I come up with excuses for why I can't. I wish I can be like those women who don't care their guys look at other women and blow it off but I'm not and I can't. I just feel if he truly loved and cared for me he wouldn't need to look at other women. I know I still need alot to work on self esteem wise and I still obviously have alot of insecurity. It's just really effecting my relationship and I don't know what to do. I love him but I feel like I need to learn to love myself again. I feel like I'm in a toxic environment and it's killing any kind 9f happiness I have left.