Anyone else scared to test?

Been ttc for 5 years 4 months with losses in 2015 & 2016 and nothing since but bfn’s. Every month I swear this is it, and I’m destroyed when af shows. I wait till 12dpo to test, if I don’t already have af by then, that’s tomorrow. And I’m nervous to test and see that bfn and kill the hope that stays till af shows... just so tired of bfns, my youngest son’s 10th bday was yesterday, my 17th wedding anniversary is tomorrow and I plan to test. Just so done with the roller coaster, yet I hop on every month full of hope. Sorry end of rant.