Changing feelings towards husband

I’ve been with my husband for 10 years. We met at 23/24. The first 2 years, the love was so intense, fiery, passionate, all-consuming.. we didn’t just finish each other’s sentences, it felt at times we weren’t even two separate beings. We are so similar intellectually. We share, quite literally, the same opinions on so many things the list would shock you.

But, nobody is perfect (I know I’m not)

Simply put, he is a lazy human being.

He never, ever helps around the house. He does nothing except take out the trash and carry the clothes down to be washed and bring them back up. He does not fold or put away laundry. He’ll dump them on the bed or leave them in the basket until I get home (I work 12 hr shifts) and play video games.

I did it all- and I didn’t mind then because we were so desperately in love. He is the type to throw away dirty dishes and just buy new ones, simply because he doesn’t want to do dishes.

If anything breaks in the house, it stays broken until I fix it or I call his dad to come fix it. He cuts the grass 2x a year and bitches about it (and trust me, the grass could be cut once a week!!! But he won’t let me do it because he said he’ll feel embarrassed that our neighbors will see and think he isn’t “manly” enough)... but I have to nag, and complain for him to even cut the grass those 2 times. The gutters on our house needs to be cleaned out 2-3x a year and trust me, by his account, he should receive gold medal, standing ovation from everyone, a month off work, steak every night for dinner for a week and an award plaque to show his hard work.

Fast forward 8 years, marriage and 2 kids later... and he is the same. I thought he could change. I thought as time went by, he would help out a little more. Nope. Never. How naive. (Yup, I’d be heavily pregnant at 8 months on my hands and knees scrubbing the bathroom down while he plays video games).

I find myself in a weird spot in life. I love him. But I don’t like him, not one bit. As a friend, he’s amazing. He’s my best friend. As a life partner, he sucks. He does help with the kids, but I wish he would do more because he already doesn’t do much. There are many, many nights where I’m running around making dinner and the kids are fighting or wanting someone to play with them, pulling on my pant leg, tripping me.. and he’ll just be playing video games.

I’m tired of yelling. I’m of shouting to no one how much I wish someone would help me out a little because he sure isn’t listening and doesn’t care enough to change.

I didn’t mean to go on such vent. Oh, forgot to say, he’s an alcoholic (became one about 4 years ago) And we’re in debt because of his poor money decisions... like 30k in credit card debt.

Anyone else married, but unhappy and fantasize about leaving? Is this what other marriages look like?? beneath the beautiful pictures we post on social media, the smiles we put on for the world?

The good in him: good father. I trust this man with my life. Loyal. His parents are amazing- I love my in laws.

If you’ve read this far, I salute you lol!


Stephanie: YES!! it is a strange, strange feeling. I never knew I could feel this way about him. He is so intelligent- most people who meet him are drawn to him. I love having conversations with him about everything and anything because he is such an analytical person, smart and thoughtful about it you know? But DAMN IF HE ISNT THE LAZIEST person I know. Im happy for you- I’m happy that you were able to put your foot down. You are my inspiration.

Courtney: I constantly play out a scenario like the ones you suggest...all my friends, the ones I would trust to open their home to me without question .. they all have little kids. Like under the age of 4. And they all live about 45 mins to 1 hour away. Now I know that shouldn’t be an obstacle, but it really is. To care for my children, work and drive that far... my days already begin at 5:45 am when I get ready for work (and I currently live close to my job, 10 mins away) and I get home at 8pm (yup I work every other weekend). The logistics of that scenario is making me more exhausted just thinking about it. My parents... unfortunately they aren’t an option either. My mom is ill... my dad takes care of her full time.... it’s a complicated, sad situation. I constantly wish wish wish I could do something drastic - but not have to suffer even more for it. I wish I wasn’t so much in debt (HIS debt, not mine. But I opened credit cards under my name to help transfer $15k to 0% interest so we can pay them down). I wish wish I could just rent an apartment... but have no money left.

And for the heck of it... I told my 3 year old last night that mommy might leave for a couple of days.. omg, the look of true heartbreak, of his world falling apart around him, the crying that followed.... how can I do that to my child?😭😖😭he was so terrified I would leave he told his daddy... and my husband confronted me but I told him I was just too damn tired to argue. I didn’t say it to my child to torture him. I seriously was trying to build up the courage to just take the plunge... and after that, well... all courage gone.

Julie- YES!!! I say all the time to him, “we have two kids, but why do I feel like I have THREE?! You’re supposed to help me with the stress, not add to it!!” And yes! I have to beg him to do anything, anything at all around the house. I’m like you... I am so tired of arguing with him, about having him help more... he never does. I’m learning he never will. And I feel stuck. Just stuck. I feel like I just have to keep going... because well... that’s all I can do

Cherie- yup, I didn’t want to drag on my post longer than I already have but that is EXACTLY what happened. His parents never, and I am not exaggerating...never ever once made him do chores as a child. They are amazing, gentle souls. They believe in “not forcing” anyone to do anything they don’t want (they both have backgrounds where they were pressured and/or forced to endure a lot of things) So of course, as a kid... did he ever “want” to do anything? Nope. Never. He never ever performed one chore growing up. To this day, when I visit them, I’ll be helping the mom in the kitchen and both my husband and his brother will be in the living room just on their phones. I’ll have to say loudly, “you know, we’ve been in here for hours. Dinner is ready in 5. Can one of you set the table?” And then one will do it, begrudgingly. If I don’t specifically ask, they won’t do it. I’ve tested this. My husband’s parents did their kids a disservice. And yup, when I first met him, I did it all because I was so in love and thought, again naively, he would help out more if all I have to do is ask. Boy, did I learn too late, HA! Jokes on me. And yes, if I died, trust me he would be moving back in with his mom so quick!

The irony in this? His parents have shared responsibilities around the house. His dad cooks dinner as well, cleans the bathroom, does the dishes, etc ...sometimes instead of the mom, because they don’t believe in “gender” roles. They thought if they just showed, passively, to their kids what they do, that somehow their kids wold grow up and want to be like them. Smdh