Helpless

I'm sitting here in the bathroom, in the tub taking a bath because it's the only thing I could think of doing to get alone time from my husband and bonus daughter where I can just be sad. I love them both so much, but I am tired of constantly trying to pretend I'm okay. My husband and I lost our first in April. A week before my birthday. I was only 10 weeks along. Every day is getting harder again because my due date was november third, my grandmother's birthday and it's getting closer. It's so hard to think where I would be right now. And we just started TTC again and theres a negative test next to me. And I just get hurt seeing it when I know I shouldn't have even taken it because I know I'm not pregnant this month. I know we missed it. And it was so easy the first time, only took one cycle.