I hate myself

I went on a date to ugly joes and had drinks. He said I can't sip them like I was that I need to just down them, I had two vegas bombs and half a beer cup.

He kept saying your still milking those and are you gonna need my help and kept cheersing me. We walked out together and he mentioned something about if I had too much to drink and I said I had a buzz and he said well that's why I'm not letting you drive home first we went to his car, I got in even though I didn't know where we were going, I thought we were just going to a different place to eat or something but he said we're going to my house and I asked if he had an apartment no I have an actual house can't do that apartment stuff. He initially asked me over to watch a movie when I was first talking to him, so I thought that's what we were going to do. This was only the second date after I met him from a dating app.

I walked in the house and was standing there for only a minute when he put his hands on me and kissed me for a few seconds and while doing that he then really pushes me down a hallway into his room he starts to take off my shirt and bra which I let but I told him I can't have sex. I can't do that. has me sit on the bed and pulls all my other clothes off and I am laying there he then pushed my legs open and puts his penis inside me and just kept going and I didn't look at him while he was doing that he told me to turn over and I did and he wanted to push his penis inside me and I told him stop and he heard and said why but didn't even hesitate but just kept pounding me. It hurt but I didn't say any more. He just did what he wanted and didn't even listen. I gave in finally and just made a few noises and did what he told me to when he said get on top and didn’t look. I wanted to tell him I didn't want to have sex outside of a committed relationship but I didn't even get a chance because he pushed me in his room as soon as I was inside. then he kept going inside me he tried to put his penis in my mouth and said do you not give head and I said no I do not want to get stds and finally it stopped and I just laid there and he rubbed my arms and then said you should go back home now and I had to get dressed really fast and he took me back to my car. I sat in my car for a really long time and texted my friend crying. This is really is my fault for doing this to myself because on the first date he expected too much. I wanted the kissing but he wanted me to go to far and I kept telling him its too far and no to things and he kept like trying. The day before this I had planned to suicide and sometimes now I wish I had. I don’t really care to clarify what happened or what’s to blame or being judged that’s why I won’t tell anyone I know I just am already blocking it out and not wanting to remember. These people from mocsa said to report it but I don’t know if I should.