She came when she wanted
I just want to start off by saying thank you, every single on of you who took the time to comment and read my story. It really brings me a sense calm in my hectic life right now to know just how many people are putting their thoughts and prayers and well wishes towards my daughter.
I really dont know where to start but I'll start with the fact that my daughter is doing amazing. She is the strongest person I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. She is my hero, and I know that sounds dumb but she really is, seeing her be strong has stopped me from falling into depression. Every update I get about her is always positive and very rarely anything to worry about. They tell me she is going to be in the NICU until February (the month she was suppose to be born). They tell me that it's a long hard road ahead but she's showing promise of a happy ending at the end of it.
I never thought I could feel so much love in my heart then I do for her.
But some days it's all too much, some days when my husband is sleeping I cry for an hour or two. Some days it all hits me again it takes everything I have in my to not break down on the floor.
We had a long hard journey with me just trying to get pregnant for almost 2 years and then this happens.
I'm in a lot of physical pain still i'm not taking my pain meds unless I need too. Theres history of members in my family that are addicted to pain killers and I dont want that to be me, especially since my daughter needs me.
My wonder and amazing husband, has really been my rock and my savior in all of this. He is taking such wonderful care of me, making sure I'm ok physically and emotionally. He is being the best husband in the world and is being a strong father because I know he is hurting too but he never shows it.
The three of us are all being strong as we can for each other. My husband and I even came up with a saying, "laugh so you dont cry" it sounds more depressing then what it is. It just means, we are both trying to to make each other laugh and joke around, and look on the bright side of things so we dont break down.
We're taking it one day at a time like the drs tells us too. So far it's been good days with the occasional crying when I see her in pain, but I know theres a bad day coming, it's all going too well and im scared because im waiting for that one bad day.
However the day I'm most looking forward too is getting to hold her and hear her cry (she can't physically make noise yet because of the breathing tube). I'm trying my hardest to stay positive and strong for my baby girl.
She really has pulled threw and I can't wait for the day I can take her home. Its been hard, really hard but I just have to laugh so that I dont cry.
She came when she wanted. Born at 25 weeks
Thursday November 14th my daughter who was only 25 weeks and 1 day decided she need to be born. It's been a few days since then and I'm still in shock and not quite processed what happened because it all happened so fast. I have a daughter, and yet it hasn't really sunk it. It feels like I'm still pregnant with just a lot of pain, but I'm not. I had an emergency c section within 10 minutes of arriving at the hospital. I thought maybe I was having really bad Braxton hicks contractions and they would give me medication and let me go home. Next thing I know people started assembling fast, and people started getting ready for surgery and I didn't even get to process the words, "you're going into early labor" before they took me into the operating room and made my husband wait outside. I was alone and scared and crying so hard I started having an asthma attack but they put the sleeping mask over my mouth and told me to take deep breaths. I kept crying as they took off my pants and panties and entered a catheter into me. I kept crying when I started feeling myself fading and when they put the curtain over my body so I wouldn't see what was happening. I kept crying as I felt the pressure but not the pain of being cut into to get to my baby. I kept crying till my world turned black.
Next thing I know I'm in a different room, struggling to open my eyes. My mom is next to me talking to me and I'm so tired but I fight to open my eyes. I finally open them and my husband is across the bed and he looks worried but happy to see me. My mom talks to me again but the words are slow and I can't make out what she's saying. I can barely think, let alone say anything because they put a tube down my mouth during surgery. My mouth is dry and my throat hurts but I can make out two words, "my baby?"
My husband comes over and tells me she was born and she's a fighter. She is fighting since the moment she was born, moving around a lot, suprising everyone with how strong she is and her will to live. The nurse tells me she's a feisty one and they aren't going to send her away just yet to another hospital because of how strong she is. Another hospital, I looked puzzled at my husband. She's too small, born too early to stay at this hospital, he explained to me. My heart sank, I just gave birth, a birth I didn't expect for a few more months and now I won't even get to see my baby. I begin to sob a little. I barely wished, "I love you" to my husband before person after person talked to both of us about what's to come and what to expect.
About 2 hours later they wheel in my baby in a huge metal box with loud noises and a small window. All I can see from my bed side are wires on top of a little blanket. I didn't even get to see my baby before they took her to the other hospital. Luckily to my saint of a mother in law she took a photo for me before they wheeled her away. Only her nose is present but I've never felt more love in my life then seeing that tiny little nose.
Everything after that has been one giant blurr of pain and pain medication, getting updated on how I'm progressing, how see is progressing at her hospital. There have been so many people in and out to talk to me about this and that, family members coming in in complete shock that I had her this early. My body refuses to sleep, my head feels like it's going a million miles per hour, and my body is tired and in great pain. They told me they had to cut my stomach horizontally to get to my placenta and uterus but had to cut vertically to get to her. Meaning that I can never carry another baby to full term, she is my first and they are already telling me I'll never have a normal pregnancy again. They tell me when I get pregnant it'll be a hard road, as if this one wasn't hard enough. They tell me I'll be in a lot of pain because of the two different cuts and to take it easy. They also say the faster I heal the faster I'll get released and will be able to see my daughter at her hospital.
But none of it all feels real. I still keep finding myself trying to rub a belly that isnt as prominent as it once was. I still think about how the nursery isnt done, how the baby shower isnt going to happen, or how I didn't even get to do a maternity picture. I can't even think about how I have a daughter already born when I feel like I've been robbed of everything that makes childbirth, childbirth.
As for my daughter, my beautiful strong amazing Elena. She's fighting, they tell me she's stable and that she's having breathing problems and other complications but that she's fighting. They tell me she's moving around like crazy and acting like a full term baby. My daughter is being a tough strong girl, while mommy is having a breakdown. I feel terrible everytime they tell me something else has gone wrong or that she keeps pulling at her tubes. I just want to hold her, I want for all of this to sink in already. I want to be able to get out of this hazy nightmare I'm stuck in and just be a mom for my little fighting miracle.
I've cried so hard, harder then ever before but with every day I'm trying my hardest to process what happened, pushing my body to be able to leave and go spend time with my daughter. If my daughter is being a fighter then so should I. They keep updating me on her progress and I keep trying to get stronger for her, no more crying for me.
My daughter decided she was going to come early into the world and fight for her life, now it's mommy's time to fight to see her.
Thank you for taking time and reading this if you did. Writing most of it down has really helped me process my crazy life these past few days.
They say I should be able to be released today, if so I only have one thing in my mind I want to do if I am.
Go see my feisty, amazing, strong baby girl.