Agoraphobia / missing prenatal appts

I’ve struggled with severe depression and anxiety + a panic attack disorder most of my life, officially diagnosed when I was 12 and since then it seems like it’s just gotten worse no matter how much medication and therapy I’ve been through. Anxiety makes my depression worse and then depression makes my anxiety worse and it’s an endless hopeless cycle.

My sister unexpectedly passed away a year ago and my mental health has spiraled since then, 6 months after her passing I found out I was pregnant. My fiancé and I are so excited - but, I had to stop the medication I got put on after my sister passed and stopping medication + the hormones from pregnancy have put my depression and anxiety at an all time low that it’s never been before. I’ve always struggled to leave the house, to stop at gas stations, be in social situations, even my therapist took me out of high school completely because I couldn’t handle it without panic attacks, but most of the time in adult hood I’ve been able to manage leaving the house when I had to - until now.

I’ve started having full blown agoraphobia. I don’t know why or how to make it better. I was 16 weeks along at the last prenatal appointment I was able to go to and I’m 32 weeks along now. I don’t know how time has passed by so fast. It’s like I’ve lost my perception of time from being in the house so long and it’s felt like only a couple weeks should have went by. I haven’t spoken with my OB at all. I have so much shame that I don’t even know what to say. I plan on calling tomorrow and explaining my situation but I’m so full of guilt and shame and I feel like the worst mom in the whole world already. I’ve done what I can to make sure me and baby are healthy. I check my blood sugar regularly, I do kick counts, I drink lots of water and always take my prenatal - but I’ve missed vital appointments that I should have been going to and I hate myself. I’m scared my OB is just going to be mad, or think that I just don’t care about making my appointments when really nothing has ever bothered me so bad in my life. I’m running out of time before my baby gets here and I don’t know how to get better. I’m terrified about the 2-3 day hospital stay when I give birth because I just want to be home. I have full blown can’t breathe panic attacks just trying to leave my house so how am I gonna be able to go to a hospital and stay? I’m just terrified of all of this and I’m so full of shame and I feel so guilty even though I can’t control the way my body reacts to these things I feel like it’s all my fault.

I just needed to vent so thanks for taking the time to listen if you’ve made it this far.