Guilt

Let me preface this post by first specifying that I do not believe I'm suffering from PPD. I have always had an insane amount of patience when dealing with things I could not control. However, I believe there is a threshold for everyone at how much frustration they can take before breaking down into a puddle of tears.

My baby daughter has always hated sleep from the moment she was born. Born at just past 2AM, I did not get any sleep or rest for at least 48 hours from the time I went into labor to the time I discharged from the hospital. She is 10 weeks old today and although she has improved since then, it is not by much.

As I write this, she has been awake for 7 straight hours without a nap lasting more than 5 minutes. When I calm her down, she gives me mere minutes of reprieve before screaming bloody murder and just being UNHAPPY.

This is a common occurance that happens almost everyday. Most of the time, these fuss periods only last 3-4 hours tops, but sometimes it starts as early as 3PM and is seemingly neverending.

There is nothing wrong with her- no fever or signs of illness. No symptoms of GERD or signs of breastmilk issues or allergy. This is just HER and HOW SHE IS, or at least, what I've come to accept, as it happens every night and has been happening since day one. I have tried everything to help her settle earlier with no avail. I've read countless books and asked my Pediatrician, I've tried the 5 S's, I've asked other mothers for advice and nothing has worked. So honestly, I've stopped looking for a fix or explanation because I dont think there is one. and I'm okay with that- it doesnt usually bother me most days.

I write this post because I finally, after 10 long weeks of an unhappy baby, have let go in terms of my emotional control and my threshold has been reached. I've been quietly crying with my daughter for over an hour now. My husband is avoiding us both because he "cant deal" with it and has to work in the morning. I haven't slept in the same bed with him in months. I only leave the house to get groceries. My only close friend (for over a DECADE) has basically abandoned me because she isn't a "mom type" and babies arent "her thing" and thus the only other ADULT human interaction I get is from a husband that "cant deal" and the occasional visit from the MIL every other Saturday for a few hours, of which I can't leave longer than an hour because I'm strictly breastfeeding. She also still has my young brother in law to take care of herself and they live 2 hours away so more frequent Visits arent an option. By

I've never been so excited to return to work in a few weeks.I will only be working Saturdays and Sundays while my husband takes care of her during the day. EXCEPT my career is DANGEROUS when im severely sleep deprived, which I dont see improving anytime soon, so now I'm just anxious and stressed about it.

I feel like a shitty mother to my daughter because I cant make her happy. My husband has already said we will never have another child and he is already looking at getting a vasectomy to ensure it, which makes me feel worse, as I still want more children despite this experience. I feel guilty for feeling like my first baby is "a bad baby" and am jealous of other mothers that brag about their "good babies", wondering what I'm doing wrong to make my beautiful girl so miserable.

As I said, I'm not looking for a solution for my daughter's aversion to sleep anymore; I keep telling myself she will eventually grow out of it, and ONE DAY she will be a sweet happy thing. I mainly wrote this post because I need to vent and need some kind of support that isn't my husband just repeating "I'm sorry" over and over again.