I’ve never spoken to anybody about this in my life but for the last two days I can’t stop thinking about it

So I don’t even know exactly how long ago this was, id say just under two years maybe? But my ex boyfriend and I got back together. He’d always been really shitty to me, had cheated on me 4 times by this point but I trusted in him for some reason.

This was the first time we’d met up after probably about 8 months?? Obviously because we’d been broken up and we were really excited to see each other.

I was incredibly inexperienced at this point, up until that day the only thing I’d done was being like touched in ‘that area’ over multiple layers of clothing.

It was a really hot day in summer so I was wearing a skirt, not too short, and a blouse. I’d pretty much only ever worn jeans or if I wore a skirt I had tights on so this was a pretty unusual outfit and he asked if we could ‘do stuff’ which I was fully consenting to.

Now, side note, I struggle a lot with consent and this was really what I class as my first sexual experience. He knew about my problems with consent as we discussed them in detail especially in relation to my anxiety. Once a friend who I ended up sorta dating had started sexting me and I was really uncomfortable, this came up but I made it crystal clear I did NOT blame him- I never gave so much as a hint I was uncomfortable and obviously it was online so he couldn’t have known, I just used it as an example of situations that I’d struggled in when talking (to my ex) about the whole thing, his reaction was to be furious at the boy (although I did defend him- I’ll never blame him at all), saying he should’ve known better.

So long story short we made out a bit and he fingered me for a while, we were in a secluded part of a local park and we stopped because we could hear voices and thought people might be nearby. We must’ve been stopped for about 15-20 minutes and then we started kissing again, he grabbed my thigh a bit and started moving back to that area. I didn’t want him to but I couldn’t say ‘no’ so instead I moved my hand and grabbed his and pushed it away a bit, he stopped kissing me for a moment and asked if something was wrong to which I kinda just shrugged and was like ‘ehhh’, which even though he’d never gone this far before would make him stop when he’d touch me like, over clothes. He asked me again if I wanted to n I just kinda looked down and shrugged, still keeping my hand blocking his from ‘that area’, I couldn’t say no but I kinda feel like that should’ve been enough. He then asked ‘are you sure you don’t want to?’ And started touching my thigh again, moving his hand further and further up, I just kept shrugging or saying ‘eh’. He asked me if I was sure again and touched that area, I responded the same way. He asked again but this time he was putting his fingers in me which sent me majorly panicky. He started fingering me again and was like ‘so you’re sure you don’t want this?’ By which point I was just like ‘okay fine’ because like? He was already in me and I was already uncomfortable so why make it awkward and I just couldn’t say the word no

I feel like I don’t have the right to feel upset, because we’d been ‘doing stuff’ earlier and technically I gave him consent, but in my eyes it just felt forced. I don’t want to be the kind of person who makes false accusations hence why I’ve never spoken about this. Like maybe he genuinely didn’t know I didn’t want it, we had a very dom/sub dynamic so maybe he just didn’t understand?

But I was 15, I’ve always had bad anxiety and consent was just so difficult for me. I don’t know what any of it was or what it means, so I guess I just need a second opinion.