On August 27th 2019, I was sitting excitedly talking to my husband & thinking about our future, when we would become a family of 3. It was the night before our 12 week scan and we just couldn’t wait to see our little baby again on the ultrasound & see how much they had grown since our 8 week scan.

A little after 9pm, I went to the bathroom. When I wiped, I noticed there was a tiny amount of brown blood. When I seen it, the emotions took a few minutes to sink in. Afterwards, I went back through to our living room, sat down next to my husband & told him what had happened. He looked at me with a worried look and said “Is that bad? What does that mean? Should we go to hospital?!” I didn’t know the answer to any of those questions. So, I phoned our local Maternity Hospital like I had been told to if I ever experienced any bleeding & explained what had happened. I was then told that the Early Pregnancy Unit (EPAS) was only open between 8:30am-6pm so I would have to call back in the morning. Needless to say. we didn’t sleep much that night & the bleeding became slightly heavier by morning.

At 8:30am, I called back & explained what had happened again to EPAS. She told me that I could either wait until my 12 week scan apt (which was already booked in for that afternoon) or I could visit EPAS asap for a ultrasound scan - we decided on visiting EPAS & left straight away.

When we were taken into the ultrasound room & I lay down on the bed, the strongest feeling of dread took over my full body. I find it hard to find the exact words for it. The sonographer was so lovely though & we chatted first about what had happened the night before. “Ok Melissa, so we’re just going to have a look now.”

The room went silent for what felt like an eternity as she looked at the screen and moved the scanner back and forth numerous times across my belly. It stayed quiet for far too long. That was when I knew. I didn’t need to be told. I closed my eyes and reached out for my husbands hand. He leant over, held my hand & I squeezed him tight and started silently crying.

Then finally, I heard the sonographers voice. “Melissa... I’m so sorry.” She didn’t need to say any more. I knew I had lost my baby. I burst into tears and heard my husband do the same. If I’m honest the rest is pretty much a blur.

Later, I found out I had had a missed miscarriage and my little baby had stopped developing at 9 weeks, it had taken my body 3 weeks later to realise.

We had to go back to hospital a few days later, where they gave me oral pills which give me contractions & had similar effects as “early labour”. As the pain got worse, my emotions did too. I didn’t want to let go of my little baby, I didn’t want to face the reality that I had lost them... I wanted to keep them in my tummy forever. My heart was telling me all of this - but at the same time my brain was telling me this was reality and we need to do this.

My tiny little baby was born on 30th August 2019.

I was in hospital for 9 hours in total & given pain relief. The midwives were all so lovely to me (I will forever be thankful to our NHS).

There hasn’t been one day that’s gone by where I haven’t thought about my baby. For 12 weeks, I got to experience what love is between a mother and their baby & although I never got to meet my baby or look into their eyes, I am so so thankful for the love and many lessons they taught me in such a short space of time.

Their due date was supposed to be 16th March 2020 and as that time comes closer, I’ve been feeling so many mixed emotions that I’m finding hard to deal with. My partner & I started trying again in November & every month I get a negative HPT is another heartbreak. I know that God has a plan for us all & one day he will answer my prayers but I just want this period of my life to have all been one big horrible nightmare & I wake up tomorrow with a beautiful bump, ready to give birth to my beautiful baby. 😔

It’s been almost 5 months since I lost my baby and other than my closest family I haven’t shared my story with the world at all.

This app really has helped me over those months. Although I have never written a comment or post on Glow about my own personal story (until now) I have read numerous other posts from women with similar stories to mine. Each one helped me feel less alone.

So, thank you Glow & thank you to the women who shared their stories & unknowingly helped me.

I’m not writing this for sympathy. I’m not writing this for likes. I’m writing this in the hope that it resonates with atleast one person & to let them know - You aren’t alone. It was not your fault. You are allowed to feel whichever way you feel & you are allowed to grieve whichever way you are grieving - no matter if your baby was 1 week or 40 weeks. ❤️

Lots of love,

Mumma of an angel baby x

“I carried you every second of your life, and I will love you every second of mine.” 💫