I am sad but I smile. That’s my life. 😕

I’m tired of faking positivity, faking happiness, so that people like me. And the sad part is that, at the end of the day, people hate to see me happy.

My friends were real friends until they didn’t need me anymore. Now I’m like an outsider that tries to create harmony within us, tries to follow them around so that I’m not alone, tries to catch up with conversations they had alone. We haven’t split, we identify as friends still. But for some reason, it doesn’t feel the same as before. It feels more evil, more distant. But only between me and them. Between them alone, everything seems even more close and fun.

So what I believe has happened. They finally got their driving license, so they don’t need me anymore to drive them around. They are busy showing off their cars’ keys and the fact that they’re driving. I mean, I drive a Mercedes and didn’t ever feel the need to hold my keys up high for people to see that. Their selfishness has brought our friendship apart and they don’t seem to care losing me. Probably because I’m a boring, basic bitch that has nothing else to provide them with apart from my pointless conversations and weird random comments. I wouldn’t say I’m not a good friend, but I would definitely say that I’m a backup friend.

Need this? I’m here. Need that? Guess what, I’m still here. Oh, and need that too? Why not, I can give it to you. And I’ve transformed myself into a slave. Just because I like giving help, now I’m the slave. The one you leave on the side until needed.

And then I smile. Just to camouflage how much they hurt me. To avoid being the overdramatic one that everyone hates. To be approachable.

But today I didn’t smile. And their evil self came out even more. Everything came against me and that was so painful. Doing nothing wrong, hurting but smiling everyday and one day being the real you showing your real emotions is not bad to me. So I zoned out while they were talking, because I was sad. They were bragging people that did nothing wrong, and I wondered, is this what they do with me behind my back? They make me feel like an idiot. Literally the way the act towards me is humiliating me because I’m there swallowing everything without saying a word. Just smiling to act cool. And then I go home and listen to sad, deep songs about suicide and loneliness. Because that’s how I really feel. That’s how I felt for days and months and years now. For many different reasons. About poor marks, insecurities, breakups and now about friendships. And this is the worst because all the others came back now. I started underperforming again and my insecurities came back. And I have nobody to talk to. I’m just a sad person hiding behind a smile hoping I will not burst out one day.