It’s only January and it’s already been one hell of a year

I’ve been in a children’s hospital with my son for almost a month now. Basically his primary doctor kept telling us he had a cold for a couple weeks, gave us antibiotics and a breathing machine. Turns out he had pneumonia and he was brought to the ER, then got transferred to another hospital where they told us he had a severe asthma attack which caused him to go into cardiac arrest. They did cpr for 20 minutes until he finally came back. That’s when they transferred him to this hospital. He has brain damage and isn’t the same boy I knew a month ago. It breaks my heart SO MUCH that there’s a possibility he may never be able to see, talk, walk or get fed by mouth ever again. He had his first birthday here and it makes me so sad that he might never get to eat cake like most kids do on their birthdays. He may never be able to open presents or run around with his friends. I’ve painted this pretty picture of my son growing up and our life as a family. His father teaching him to work on cars, his first day of school, going to amusement parks and beaches, watching him play sports or plays. Whatever he’s interested in. I don’t think any less of my son and I would give him my last breath and go to the moon and back for my baby. It just hurts knowing he might not be able to be a “normal” kid. I’m 20 years old and never imagined this life for him. He deserves so much better and I would give ANYTHING to hear him say “momomom” again. He was running around, laughing, playing, fed himself avocados and bananas (his favorites) saying mom and dad. Now I see him lying on a hospital bed sedated, he can’t even look at me or move his body. It feels like I only got to spend a year getting to know my little man and now I’ll never know who he could’ve been.

-We are currently still here.

Of course when it rains it pours. During all of this we let a “friend” of mine stay in our home. Come to find out she was stealing our things,doing drugs and bringing people in and out, smoking in the house which we DO NOT allow. All while my husband, son and I have been here in the hospital. Needless to say, we kicked her out. Her and another “friend” of mine started getting rude with me. I’m not sure what they expected. They stated they weren’t waiting on my husband so he better be there to open the door and they’re bringing “back up”. Threatened to call the cops to MY house. Mind you the hospital we’re staying at is THREE HOURS away from our home. He drove there and they weren’t there. He put all her things outside and came back to the hospital. They threw a huge fit about her things being outside. They broke into our home and destroyed our things. Hacked my Facebook, messaging people with lies and posting porn on there. Called cps on me just because they were mad. Cps did drug tests (we passed) and did a home check (we passed). These two “friends” have went out of their way completely to hurt me as if I wasn’t already broken over what my son is going through. I still cannot believe I thought these girls were my friends and did this to me at a time I need a friend the most.

On one of my husbands trips back home the pipes busted and it flooded. Luckily we aren’t there right now but we will be going home within the next couple weeks. The landlord won’t fix it because apparently it’s our fault the heat wasn’t on and it got cold enough for the pipes to bust. I have been a stay at home mom and he basically got fired from his job for being here with our son. We currently have no money and just because our lives stopped doesn’t mean the works outside of here stopped. The bills have been piling up so he will have to leave here to find work which hurts me because I don’t want to leave our son and I know he doesn’t want to either.

The cherry on top of my hectic life is I’m 14 weeks pregnant. As soon as I got my insurance fixed we ended up here, in the hospital with my son. I haven’t been able to see a doctor to make sure the little in my belly is okay. I want to so bad and feel like an awful person but I just don’t want to leave my son. It feels like I haven’t seen daylight in weeks. I’m so worried all this stress is affecting my baby and being worried about it isn’t helping! If my doctor wasn’t three hours away I would have went already but I feel so stuck on what to do.

I’m not sure what I’m getting out of making this post. A rant? I need my mind cleared. My mental health is not in a good state. I just want to be a great mom and I feel like a failure. I need help, advice, a friend. Someone to listen, someone to know what I’m going through. This is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with. 20 years old. I need strength. I feel like I’m almost to the breaking point, every day wears me down more and more.