My daughter was conceived during the worst time of my life to the worst man I’ve ever known.

A lot of her formative years were spent in daycare because I was doing everything alone and she had colic and other health issues that had us in and out of the hospital. One was a large cyst on her neck that wouldn’t heal (her hair kept getting into it and it would rip open if she moved her head), and I finally had to cut all her hair off which broke her heart. It was torture surviving that time. I was always the bad guy. I’d be gone to work and she’d have fun with others. Then I’d come home and have to reapply her bandages and she’d scream.

My parents watched her a lot and would give her the time and attention i couldn’t while working doubles. She stopped wanting to be around me. I had to work nonstop to support her and keep food on the table. If I could’ve stayed at home with her i would’ve done it in a heartbeat.

Flash forward a few years—I’m married and my husband has accepted her as his own. She splits time now between my parents and our house and seems so happy. She’s popular and kind. Good grades in school, the whole thing. I reach out to her and we are closer than before. Not as close as I would’ve liked, but good.

My husband finally talks me into trying with another child. I’m scared. I’m scared because my last pregnancy i was hiding from a maniac. I’m scared because i don’t want to have to go back to work and miss out on another kids first couple of years. He worked it out to where I could stay home. Now I’m scared this kid won’t like me either. I have a great relationship with my daughter now but she still prefers others to me and it breaks my heart. I can’t go thru that again. I’m just scared.

9/6/18. My son is born. No colic this time, not running from an ex. A few months in and I feel I can finally relax. I learn about being gentler with him, more understanding. And my daughter notices now she wants to be around that too. Still splitting time with my parents but when she’s here it feels great, like a normal happy family. They both sit in my lap and watch spongebob, and she’ll lay her head on my side and he’ll wrap his little arms around us both for a hug and it’s so beautiful my heart could burst.

My son has so much love. If he’s scared he comes to me. If he’s happy he gives me sloppy kisses and plays with my hair. I never imagined I could have that mother son relationship. I’m grateful for it.

What’s the point of this post? Maybe part of it is a bit of guilt. People judge me for my daughter splitting time with my parents. People who weren’t there. Who don’t remember the horrible things that happened those first years. The sacrifices and the sleepless nights. At the end of every day i ask myself if BOTH of my children are happy, fed, and well-taken-care-of. The answer is a resounding yes. And i always talk with them both to make sure of it, to see where they’re at and to make sure they know they always are safe and loved here at home. It took a long time to get here but we are here in a pretty happy place.

The real reason for this post is how full-to-burst happy i am right now. We are considering having one more child. I’m not scared this time. We don’t have a traditional story. But the love and trust that we’ve built over the last couple of years are worth more than anything in the world.