Anxiety has touched and destroyed most if not all areas of my life. My abilities to do things are there but my means in carrying them out is almost zero due to anxiety. I had so many goals I wanted to achieve and believe me in saying I’ve really pushed myself in reaching them but in my heart I know I never will anymore.

I’ve had one main goal and dream to achieve in life; becoming a barrister. It’s unattainable for me now as I dropped out of education at 14 years of age due to severe mental health conditions and abuse that took pieces of me throughout all my childhood and teenage years. I somehow nailed a college interview and got in, they took a real chance on me as I had zero GSCE’s or levels of anything but believed in me that I could maintain motivation and reach getting all the basic GCSE’s I needed within two years then follow on to a third year course for what I wanted to study in and head into university for a law degree. I didn’t achieve any of that, I spent three years at college not paying any attention, trying to skip and being too anxious to even go in most days, they tried cutting my timetable to their absolute limit of two and a half days a week but even that I couldn’t do, I hated leaving my house, I hated being around people, I hated myself and life in general. I was severely depressed and anxious beyond my own human self. I got kicked out as my third year was ending, I got near enough zero work done in all that time and learned absolutely nothing, apart from the fact I was destined for a life of amounting to nothing.

I’m now 22, had my first son in December of last year and still have done absolutely nothing, still have crippling anxiety that I’d argue has since worsened along with my depression. I want to be in education, I want to reach my goal career, I want to provide normal and healthy way of life for my son. He wasn’t on my game plan at all (or maybe he was I just didn’t know that till his presence was imminent) but I fear everything, I specially fear him watching me be nothing in life nor achieve anything in life and following suit. I’ve been on numerous medications, numerous verbal therapies and even therapies that actively involved just going fourth with the things I feared to try combating it that way. Nothing has worked, every time I fear something and did it, I was always proven right as to why I didn’t ever want to do it. The “irrational fears” that my anxiety made and makes me thing usually came true in most of the situations I pushed fourth with. Which clearly didn’t really help my case in over riding the whole anxiety thing. What can I do? Is this just how it is for me? Am I missing things I can be doing or haven’t done?