I wouldn't have trust issues with you if you didnt snoop through my phone and yell at me for opening up to friends through text when I was 16 doing normal 16 year old things. I wish you could've just accepted me for me instead of grounding me because you were angry you couldn't change me. I was happy with my girlfriend and you made me scared to go see her. You never really cared about anything except whether YOUR mom approved of your kids' behavior. All we want is for our mother to love and accept us but even now it's like trying to tell you that makes us evil and nasty because it makes you feel guilty. Well maybe you should feel guilty. People only feel guilty when they know they did something wrong. So if you feel bad when we try to talk about certain things, maybe it's because you SHOULD. and not us! You called my sister, your daughter, a traitor among other things for sticking up for me and trying to protect me. You kicked my brother, your son, out of the house because he didnt meet your expectations. You want to know everything about everyone's lives but the funny thing is, you cant handle the truth. You just can't. You cant take criticism of any kind. You dont like anything that doesn't agree with your beliefs. And you're a hypocrite. Miss "I've never touched weed", going and getting high and then kicking your own son out for it. Your own son. You won't allow that but when your daughter told the police that your brother, our uncle who we adored, had touched me and shattered my childhood at 12 years old, you called screaming and telling her she's awful and that you hated her for being a traitor. When the SAME man did even WORSE things to you as a child, you would think that would make you want what I did. I wanted him behind bars until he had been beaten and raped by the other prisoners so many times he finally traveled to hell where he belongs. But instead, you marched me down to the police station and had me recite my script over and over about how my uncle had only "tickled me" and that my sister had misunderstood. And that if I didnt do that I'd have to sit through court and interrogations and horrible things and I'd make my family fall apart over something "that only happened once" to me. So yes. You're right. I am drifting away from you. Now at 20 I am learning that things you put me through as a child were far from normal. That thinking "I'm not the only one in the world with issues" isnt the right way to handle thoughts of ingesting bottles of pills or bringing a razor into the tub with me. Now I will be getting married this fall to someone who is still teaching me every single day how to stand up for myself and how to love myself.

I hope that one day you'll understand just what you did to your children.

I wish every single day that i had understood at the time so that i may have helped myself and my siblings.

And yet somehow, still, I love you, mom.