What’s it like to love someone that loves you back?

I’m sorry if I sound like a downer but I just need to rant/see if there’s hope.

Backstory:

My first almost relationship kinda set the precedent for my love life I think. When I was in sixth grade (about 11/12) I got asked out by a guy friend that I thought was completely platonic. Being the cringy kids we were back then, he asked me out through a mutual friend, who I then told to tell him to ask me himself, which he did. I was hella surprised; I didn’t like him at all and I thought he would get too scared and not ask me out at all so I wouldn’t have to reject him. I was wrong- VERY wrong. When he did, I struggled to give him an answer without hurting him, so I said I’d think about it (ik, dick move, but I didn’t know how to deal with it). I eventually couldn’t take it and I told him no, simple and flat out. He got really mad and pretty much blackmailed me saying that if I told anyone (legit just told my best friends bc I needed advice) he would tell the entire school that I had a boyfriend from Florida (I live in the northeast of the US) and cheated on him to impress someone from a rival school. So yeah I kinda didn’t want this to be said about me so I was terrified bc a lot of people knew by this point because HE told people. He also impersonated a friend via an online messaging service to get me to tell him things (we don’t talk about that). He also threatened to do the same with our mutual friend and her asking out some other guy who said no, but her parents found out and brought it to the school. She spilled everything and he was found innocent. The school pretty much shot down everyone else that had any bit of evidence actually incriminating him.

After that ig I just thought that all guys were out to hurt me.

When I finally found a guy friend and got really close and loved him like crazy (was originally platonic but the more I look back on it I liked him but I was pushing it away bc he liked someone else) and thought that all guys weren’t bad he left me. I told him everything and I trusted him with my life. I got pretty badly injured and he was there with me through all of it; he was the only visitor I would let see me. If I was having a depressive bout then I would go to him and not feel like he would bring it up later like my other female friends, which was nice bc I felt that I could rant and have someone listen but they didn’t “care” (not the right word, but for lack of Better words; he cared but he knew that it would so more harm if he brought it up/made me feel bad about it). One day he just stopped answering my texts and picking up my calls.

Before all of this I had a massive crush on another guy who pretty much played me. He led me on and then threw me away like I was a gum wrapper- he took what he needed, then painfully crumpled me up, and tossed me out. It only started to hurt a bit less but not really when I found out he did this to other girls too

Between the two of them, all of the stuff with the first guy came back up, but on top of that, I now felt that any guy I cared about would never love me back.

I guess I just want a little love. I know it sounds narcissistic and arrogant and maybe even a little selfish but I’m lonely. I have trust issues, which ik holds me back a little but every guy that I remotely find date-worthy I have the fear that he’s just gonna leave me there to die.

What do I do? Does it get better? Is love a good thing? From my experience love just hurts you more. Maybe I would have a better outlook if I didn’t experience what I did? Idk. Idrc if anyone responds to this, I’m just at an all time low and needed to rant, but if u do then I appreciate it and thank you for reading this far. Have a great day/evening/night/whatever time it is where you are.