Does this sound like depression?

I’m going to be brutally honest with all my symptoms here because I can’t admit it openly, it’s too embarrassing and shameful. I’m afraid either I’m a lazy ungrateful shit or I’m really starting to struggle with depression. Im afraid of it being the first option. Because despite these symptoms. When I get out around people I seem and feel pretty normal. Like as much as a I hate my job, after an hour or two I feel ok and I’m back to feeling like myself. But the effect never lasts. I get home and go to bed and I’m back to feeling grey in the morning. And before you guys start in with the “we arnt DRS” I’m fully aware of that but your opinion matters more than you think. Peoples experiences and knowledge put together in a collective format is more telling than a 10 question questionaire. And I’ve seen a therapist. I think he was unfortunately fooled by my extroversion since seeing him tended to be a highlight of my day and I was consistently in a good mood when I went. ANYWAYS, ok here it is...

I’m having trouble making myself take showers. My hair is so greasy that it sticks in a ponytail before i can finally get around to washing it. When I’m in there it’s bare minimum and done. It’s been even harder to take a shower since I moved to a new houses and everything is different now.

I’m having trouble making sure all three of my kids are bathed. Usually one of them has gone without for for too long before I realize it. I hate myself for it. I’m trying, but “just do it” isn’t an answer. That’s exactly how im here. I keep “just doing it” but next thing I know it’s been a week.

I’m having trouble brushing my teeth. I have cavities and I know I need to be taking better care, again I know I need to but i just end up procrastinating.

Make up is literally an huge effort everyday and so is getting dressed on my days off. Most of the time make up has just been hiding my acne and that’s it. :/ even people at work tease me (nicely) when I finally do a little more)

I get irritable easily. And God forbid I get woken up in a bad way (kids misbehaving or something) it puts me in this moody funk where I’m snappish and short tempered and I’m just an all around ugly person and while my kids aren’t being angels they still deserve a better mom than that. It’s like an anger burning in me that I can’t put out.

I know I need to go to dentist but I’m terrified because I know what’s to come from that and I just don’t want to go through it but I know I need to.

Same with the dr to talk about getting on antidepressants. I know I need to call and make that appointment and one time I did but then I missed the appointment :/

We moved into this big beautiful house and it’s a total dream come true but I’m not happy. I’m not unhappy, but I feel grateful, but happiness or even excitement. I was excited when the house was offered but then bam something shifted and I’m thrilled to be here and yet not. It’s so weird.

If a co worker talks to me in a way that I

Perceive to be odd or doesn’t associate as much with me that day my mind goes to worse case scenario and I have to make a monumental effort at not being clingy in general. (while still not being stand offish)

And I’m doing the things I normally do to make myself feel better, cleaning up anyways, eating and drinking anyways, getting dressed anyways, but I’m not good at it and I really just feel like I’m about to come completely undone.

I definitely have anxiety, my job causes me to have panic attacks although those have calmed down abit lately. I’m honestly very tired from my job (only getting 6 or 7 hours of sleep and I walk 8 miles a day at my job) but I don’t know how much of this is just me being a terrible person/mom and how much of it is maybe I am depressed. But if I’m depressed why can’t other people see it? Sometimes I wonder if I’m speaking it into existence so to speak. Maybe I’m just not trying enough.

What people see at work...

Vs what I’m living with. If I step out of the house I will take off the smears but I’m just not put together. This is not me. In my younger days I never dared to step out of the house without putting myself together. I like to look polished. I used to be in the beauty is pain camp and three kids (7, 3, and 1) I’m in the comfort comes first camp. I hate it, I miss the old me.