For all the woment struggling TTC

It wasn’t late, my period. In fact it was a day early to be testing, but I couldn’t help it. I’m a pee-stick addict when I’m waiting for results. I try to limit to twice a day so I don’t go crazy but the waiting is killing me.

We were actually surprised with our first a few years ago when our daughter was conceived. None of my LH tests had come up positive so I thought it wasn’t possible, but when my period was late for 5 days I took a test and it was a blazingly obvious YES! Excitement, elation, tears, it was all there.

I think about that day while I’m waiting for the strip to be ready. I’m having doubts since this will be attempt #7 but all the tests say “5 days before your missed period” right?

The timer dings.

I’m shaking.

I look. I squint. I turn it at all angles trying to catch a whisper of a glimpse on that test line.

Nothing.

“There’s always tomorrow” I tell myself, trying to not get my hopes up but also not let myself spiral into that dark place again.

I awake the next morning with a curious sense of positivity. My body is always good at giving me emotional queues. I wonder.....

I sit, grab a cup to collect my sample, and think, maybe, just maybe there’s a chance. I’m actually smiling....

I place the cup on the counter and my heart stops. It’s full of blood.

I stare at the evidence of another unsuccessful month gone by. Hating my body for not giving me what I want. I’m now bawling, still on the toilet, head in my hands, wondering why I can’t give my daughter a sibling. Why I can’t give my husband a big family. Why I can’t carry another sweet baby. Why this is happening again.

I clean up, wipe my tears, head out to my husband who is holding our sweet little girl. I give him a kiss, “my period came before I could test” I say. He gives a sad but comforting look to me, I know he wishes he could do anything to help me feel better, but we’ve been through this a few times now and he knows I just need a minute to regroup and start my next charting.

“I’m sorry babe, I really thought we did it this time” he says. “Maybe next month”.

I smile. Next month.