I want a divorce but I’m scared..

I need to vent and advice as well.

I got married last year in may. I knew it was a mistake the day after getting married. I was not ready. We eloped, he pushed it and was so excited and happy but I was not in my right mind.

Let me explain. He has suicidal and I panicked. He tried seeking help but we were long distance and every day I’d be worried he would do something. I put my own mental health aside to try and help him. I felt that marrying him would save him. And it did. When he came to live with me I was happy at first. It didn’t bother me that he didn’t have a career and that I payed our rent, our shared bills, and for groceries. He is only able to afford to pay his bills he had before we got married. I wanted to help him go to college and get his life together. Fast forward to September. Something in me flipped a switch and all my mental health stuff came flooding back. Over the next 2 months it got worse. Finally It got so bad I no longer wanted to live but I won’t get into detail about it. I got helped right away and I’m on meds and therapy that have worked amazing for me.

I was in the ER in December for something and while I was in pain I was trying to be funny with him because we had been there for hours and needed to laugh. All of a sudden he freaked out and hit me. I saw the shocked look on his face after he did it. I didn’t let him touch me or talk to me for a couple days. After that I couldn’t take it anymore but I forgave him. We stoped having sex. I couldn’t even force myself to do it. I resented him so much. We have gotten into arguments almost every day. We startled to talk about divorce but nothing serious. I knew I wanted a divorce but then he want back to being suicidal and I got scared and am scared to leave him.

Fast forward to this last week, I flew to visit a friend and after talking to her and my mom and being away from him I know I have to leave. I knew I had to leave when the thought of dying felt better then going back to him.

Ladies, I am so f**king scared. I am scared to hurt HIM. I am scared that he has to start his life over again. I am scared he will hurt himself. I can’t bare to ask him for a divorce because he will cry. He cries a lot when we bring the topic up. But I’d rather DIE then be with him. I don’t want to go home. I feel SO WEAK for feeling this way. For putting his happiness before mine. The worst part is, while I have been gone he’s been texting me how much he loves me and misses me. How I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him.

I have NO support system where I live. My family and friends live across the country from me.

I don’t know what to do, yet I know that I need out. Please, don’t tell me I need to toughen up and that I got myself into this mess. I already know this.

Thank u to anyone who took the time to read all of this. This has been very scary for me to even type up and post.