Completely broken 🥀👼🏽

Out of desperation and helplessness, I am posting this here as I am alone, lonely, and I don't know where else to go to. My emotions are burdening me and I just need to be vulnerable for once.

After having tried for 3 years and surprisingly conceived without help, I was due with my miracle baby on Sept. 7th. Today my baby was removed from my womb, as I yesterday found out that my child had stop developing from 9w6d on February 9th and had no heartbeat. Just 8 days after having had the first scan at 8w4d. I was supposed to have done the 12 week scan today, which I had been counting down to ever since the last scan.

I just can't comprehend anything of what has happened. On February 9th, I went on my own to visit Arche de Triomphe and Champs-Élysées in Paris, taking pictures, happily pregnant. Little did I know that my baby had decided to leave me that day.

I am absolutely shattered. I can't stop crying. I cried before reaching the hospital yesterday (Sunday). I was shaking, crying loudly while on the table, doing the vaginal scan. I knew it was over when I started bleeding in the night after having had menstrual-like cramps all day Saturday. Once I saw the scan, I knew my child was too small. I didn't stop crying the rest of the day, all night, and until I fell asleep from the anaesthesia on the surgery table. I cried after. On the train going home. In the shower. In my bed now. I just can't believe it. It's as if I am living a nightmare that I cannot wake up from. I feel abandoned. And the love of my life is somewhere far away from me when they should be safe and secure inside me. I know I have to move on, but I am just so angry with the universe, I can't forgive whoever caused this for what has happened. I know that I will never be the same. Having lived life traumatized already, this is definitely one of the most traumatizing things to ever happen to me. I was over the moon, and now I find myself in the darkest place. I don't want to go to work. I don't want to finish this semester at uni. I don't want to continue with every day life because nothing makes sense to me anymore. Why? Why my child? Why the most fantastic being that has ever happened to me? Yesterday I was pregnant, and today I am empty in every sense of the word. This grief is unbearable and I am sick and tired of being the strong one because truth is that I can't see what the point is to go on with a life where everything you love is taken away you. Going through hardship after hardship. I am tired of being strong. Just let me cry, for I am a mother who has lost her child.