Gender disappointment..?

So my husband has 2 boys. My two step children. I, myself have not delivered any children, however we’ve had the the youngest since he was 6 months old and the oldest since before he was 2. My husband’s sister had a baby boy about 2 years go. So there was pressure to have a girl from his side, no one would say it but I felt it. They would tell me it’s a girl- it’s a girl.

Up until yesterday everyone was telling me I was having a girl, I have 3 sisters and they all have girls, no boys so they were hopeful for a boy. It’s not that I wanted a girl, I was okay with it either way considering i have my step children as the boys in my family, but no other boys. But my husband had a dream it was a girl and I see him with our nieces, and it’s just different. So when they kicked the ball and it was blue, I didn’t jump for joy. I don’t even think I yelled yay. I smiled and looked at our youngest who wanted a boy and he was ecstatic and I said “you knew it buddy! You’re going to have a little brother!” And I was sooo happy for him.

I guess I wanted this to be different. I wanted it to be special for my husband. He has this theory that boys have an unconditionally love for their moms and girls to their dads and I wanted to give him that. I know how my sisters and i are with our dad and I see him with his mom. My step children are my world, those are my baby boys and I can see what he means. Yeah they have mommy issues already because their bio mom isn’t the best, but i see the attachment to women. BUT I will love our son just as I do our other children, but I wasn’t how i would’ve been if it were a girl. The reaction wasn’t there. I feel like a piece of shit for even saying this out loud. I really wanted this to be a new experience for my husband and I, I don’t want there to be a comparison from his sister and when his ex was pregnant with our oldest, I wanted this to be something we do for the first time TOGETHER.

Is that wrong? I feel awful. We don’t have a boy name, we could not decide, only on a girl name. Lol

I can’t wait to bring our son into this world but jeez I feel like an awful mom already.