Pregnant and suicidal thoughts

I never thought I would be posting this. I am in my 30s, divorced and have a young son. A year ago I met this great man and we decided too quickly that we wanted to try for a baby so here I am, 20 weeks pregnant with my second. It feels so horrible to say but since the minute I saw the positive test I knew it wasn’t the right time.

I had postpartum anxiety with my boy and this time around is being the worst thing I ever experienced before. I spend the day crying and fighting with my partner over silly stuff when I am not normally like this. He gave my an ultimatum last night and I decided to come to my house for the weekend (we were living in his flat but I still keep my house) so I can clear my mind.

I feel trapped in a spiral of bad decisions and I don’t really know what to do. My entire family lives in another country and I have zero support.

I just came from my 20 weeks scan at the hospital and they didn’t want to scan me because I brought my son with me (I don’t have anywhere to leave him) and the nurse just said “So you don’t have anyone to leave him with? That’s a lonely life, isn’t it?” And I just said yes like an idiot.

I honestly just want to disappear from the world, I can’t do this anymore.