Forgiveness

After struggling to process the death of a high school friend who then became my rapist I listened to a few videos of pastors talking about forgiveness. It is really damn hard to figure out in my head. He caused me so much pain but I feel like I have fianlly forgiven him in my heart. At first I felt relieved that I knew he couldnt hurt me or anyone else again. Now apart of me misses all the good times and sort of wants to cry. For so long I leaned on him. We would scream singing to each other and go for drives. I had my first beer with him. We pulled each others trucks out of mud holes countless times. We laughed constantly. My family loved him. We were inseparable until I joined the military. Came home we hung out maybe 2 or 3 times. The last night I saw him he raped me. He was drunk and very high and didnt remember the night. His family was moving hours away later that week. We hadnt talked since then. I got the phone call about his death from my mom, and she still doesnt know the story just that he hurt me. Its been heavy on my heart since. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me tonight mentally and is now in heart. He didnt deserve to be murdered. Jail time yes.