Scared if being manipulated?

I grew up with a very abusive dad and now being almost 21, I’m really trying to figure out why I am the way I am. First off, I am on lexapro for anxiety and I no doubt have had depression since before I could remember. My dad was physically abusive and mentally. Guilting, manipulating, lying, deceiving pos and you know, I can’t help but believe that that has had an affect in me. Before my boyfriend of a year pursued me, I had never really talk to boys in a friendship way nevermind in a romantic way cause I just couldnt make eye contact, couldn’t think straight, and would word vomit. And after finding out I have aphantasia (not having a mental picture “minds eye”) and it got me thinking of how I have never relived memories or even remembered anything from before I was 10. Like does anyone here deal with trauma and not remember anything from their childhood? Am I just scared of how he treated me and my family and blocked it out? I don’t know, I guess at this point I don’t even have a question, just getting my thoughts out of my head.