Every Month, still sad...

Ive been talking to therapists, friends, my Husband... Still, it hurts. I didnt know, we didnt know. this is Our wedding day, March 26th 2019. I knew i was late, i thought it was stress, i thought i was bloated from soda and carbs and my dress fitting snug didnt mean much because at least i could fit it still so no worries right?. I found out about a week after this that i was already pregnant. And then, somehow, a few days later, i wasnt. I cry all the time. Its been a year. I cant throw away the first test. I still dream of seeing the blood that day. Crying because i knew. Crying because i couldn't stop it. Crying because i had to leave work to hear one of my biggest fears in the world out loud... You know, I was planning this surprise for him: The perfect way to share my secret with my perfect husband. (Who wouldve and will be the perfect dad.) I didnt get to give him the onesie, or set up the disney themed announcement i had in mind. (It didnt help that he knew i was really late but i wanted him to have that memory anyways.) i never had that chance. I blame myself. I stressed and took care of everyone else and i think it was too latefor me to change after i knew... The dr said theres many reasons and a lot of them werent listed under "me" but somehow they were. Somehow the comforting words people had to offer werent enough. Somehow i couldn't believe people when they said, "it happens; youll be able to try again; youre young, enjoy life; Having kids is hard, you wouldnt understand..." Somehow all i could focus on was how this was meant for me, that baby, that life was meant for me. For us, I know it. I know that i could give more love than imaginable, i know i wanted that life with my husband, and he would give the same. So why? Why do i have to hear moms yell and curse their children? Why did i see mothers abuse their children? Why dont they love them? Thats all they want, why couldnt i do that for my own baby and yet i see other people taking that life for granted? The crying? Ill take that. The sleepless nights? Ill take that. The poopy diapers and hard days? The fevers and tantrums and teethings. Please, listen. I can do that. I can be there, every nightmare, ill sing them to sleep, they will never worry with me. Every heartbreak and sad day, every memory theyd want to share with me, id be ready. Ill always love them and never forget it. Ill be a great mom, and i wont take any second for granted. I try, and every day is different. Sometimes i dream those good dreams again. But when the time comes once a month, im still sad...