It’s about my brother .. (Long)

I just need to tell my story. I want to say it for the last time because the last person I told it out loud to was my parents. And I feel like every time I say it, it helps me heal a little faster.

So growing up my mom was a recovering meth addict. She had been sober for a couple years getting back in her feet and raising 3 kids in her own. She worked 3 jobs and went back to school full time so she was never hold. My brother basically raised me and my sister. My sister would stay at a baby sitters house during the day because she was under school age and me and my brother would get on the school bus without my mom in the morning and get off without her in the afternoon and wait for her to get home at night to tuck us into bed.

I remember one day when I was about 7-8 (putting him around 10-11) we came home from school and I went into the living room and a movie was playing. I’m the tv there was a guy and a girl on a football field and they were naked. And the girl was in top of the guy. And my brother looks at me and asks me if I know what they are doing and I said no I didn’t. So he showed me. He took my clothes off and he made me get on top of him. He told me it was okay and that it wasn’t wrong. I didn’t know what was happening. I went to the bathroom and I was bleeding. So bad I thought I started my period for the first time so I put one of my moms pads on.

Fast forward to when I was about 13 putting him at about 15-16ish and he tried to do it again. He told me he wanted to play the game we played as kids. And at that point I knew what he was doing and I knew it was wrong so I locked my bedroom door and waited until my mom got home. He said he wanted to play again because e this time I had boobs. I didn’t tell her what he tried to do.

When I was about 16 I finally told my dad what happened. I told him my brother raped me. We get to my moms house and we tell her. We make my brother come home from work early and he sat down and talked with my parents. They told me that because I didn’t say no and that it wasn’t forced that it wasn’t rape. It was just consensual juvenile intercourse. My brother was 18 and enlisting in the air force. My mom made me promise I wasn’t going to tell my therapist because it could ruin his life and the chances of him getting into the military.

I’m mad at myself still being 20 years old. I hate myself that I didn’t realize what was going on sooner. I hate myself for telling my parents. And most of all I hate myself for not hating him. I don’t know why but I can’t hate him for this. As much as I want to. As much as he hurt me. I can’t hate him. He’s always been my best friend because I had no one growing up but him. He took care of me when my mom was absent. I can’t hate him so I hate myself.