Abusive Relationships

I think I’m writing this just because I’m overwhelmed and need to get it off my chest, although I feel like nothing in my life will change even though I’m asking for advice. I’d just like to rant.

I’m 19 years old and have MULTIPLE abusive people in my life. Mostly emotionally abusive. My mom has been emotionally abusive about all of my life since my dad died, she’s always been mean and treated me bad. Calling me terrible names and acting as if I’m not important. Physical abuse was very rare but happened sometimes. I feel like going through this has given me a messed up reality of love? I look for it any and everywhere. First is my best friend. I have a common way of choosing very toxic friends who I let treat me any type of way bc I think I just crave some type of attention I never received from my mom. Any type of loving relationship. Anyway my best friend is bigger than me, and not as financially stable as me and just has a different way of living than me. We’ve been best friends for about 5 years and she’s never supported me with anything. She always jokes and makes fun of me with anything I tell her. Especially if it’s something that makes me a little bit more “successful” than her or it’s something she doesn’t have. But with everything she does and gets I ALWAYS am so happy for her, instantly ready to hype her up and just be there for her. Lately it’s been everything I do, she wants to do. And I don’t mind but it’s just that when I do it she’s not happy for me but then she does it and I’m really happy for her. She honestly doesn’t treat me right at all but I can’t drop her bc I have no other friends..my old best friend betrayed me in a way I never saw coming she slept with and sent nudes to my man literally while she was staying at my house..and wanted to fight me after like what..but ig after my old best friend doing that I clung to my now best friend and I feel like I have no one.

Then there’s my BOYFRIEND. He’s MAJORRRR controlling and always wants things his way. He likes to tell me what to do a lot. He reminds me of my mom some times. His last relationship he got cheated on and I think that is why he acts as strict as he does. But no matter what he’s always there for me. My mom and I have gotten into fights at 3am and he’ll get out of bed to come be with me and drive me around to calm down. He gives me lots of surprises and always compliments me or takes me places and brings me things if I’m not feeling well. He’s all about me and I love him for that. But I’m starting to wonder if he’s just another toxic person I’ve clung to in my life...

I’m sorry this is so long I just needed someone to talk to and the only 2 people I talk to on a daily and only 2 people I really have In my life..well it’s about them. If you read to the end, thank you💕

EDIT: I also know how many of you are gonna say “just leave these people” but idk if you’ve ever been in a toxic relationship, but it is SO HARD. Especially when you have no one else.