Sex advice.

I want my husband to be MEAN and rough to me. Sometimes he does and I LOVE IT. Slaps me in the face, pulls my hair hard, chokes me everything I like. But AS SOON as he does. He stops. Panics and apologies. I’ve told I’m it’s okay and I want him to have that control. He’s very dominant. But I think his ex was the dam in their relationship and literally controlled him. We’ve talked and when he’d try with her she’d hit him and kick him out as soon as he tried. In every aspect he was cautious. When he left her moved away, and got with me a few months later she went insane. Showed up to his work 6hrs away from her pepper spayed him came to my job(again 6hrs away) and confronted me. Wouldn’t stop commenting on all our and families social media when we’d block her she’d make private accounts and do the same....Ect ect. As soon as she found out we got married almost a year later it got worse. So We have court ordered restraining orders against her. I’ve been very patient with him and sex. The same as he’s been with me. But I’m craving that type of sex. I don’t know how we’ll get though this. We both go to therapy and have our own issues to deal with from the past. I don’t want to push him. But how can I let him know it’s 100% okay to do those things to me. He WANTS TOO he talks about it all the time. But when we do he’ll stop and get worried, panicked and very embarrassed. I reassure him and we usually keep going. But I know it bothers him that he can’t occasionally give me the rough sex I want. Normal sex is still so freaking good. And I love it and him very much. But I do miss the rough times. We did good for a while but it’s stopped recently. And once again I don’t pressure him. He knows when I want it. And we always have that conversation beforehand. Idk if me feeling this way makes me a bad partner. Is this normal for me to be upset about?