Thinking about my ex every minute

So a little backstory:

I was with my ex for a little over 4 years. We were engaged and trying for a baby. We tried for 2 years and never got pregnant. That was so stressful. I think that is what ended our relationship. At this point, I can’t even remember.

After we broke up, I had a tough time with depression and sadness. It was a mutual breakup. We never really talked after that. He owed me 4K dollars and I was ask if he could pay me every month but he never did so I just stopped asking.

A few months later, I got in a new relationship. I thought I was happy, but he was very controlling and damaged. I gave everything I had to him and he got a little better but again, I still thought I was happy. I got pregnant on the pill after 8 months being with him. We now have a 1 year old son. We are living together but we fight every single day. Every day. It’s exhausting. I don’t want to be with him. He’s just not a good person. I’m not happy with him and I’m not sure I ever was. My treated me like complete trash my entire pregnancy. I was in the ER from anxiety due to his abusive comments and treatment. He would say things like “why don’t you go get knocked up by another ***** so he can leave you too” (I have a 9 year old and her father is absent) and other insulting horrible things. I am so unhappy I can’t stop saying that. :(

The purpose of my post is I can’t stop thinking of my ex. I made a huge mistake and unfortunately I can’t turn back time. I’m so upset and unhappy. It’s killing me. I want to text him so bad just to have some sort of closure maybe? I don’t know. I would never cheat but I have to do something. Any input is appreciated but be nice please. I’m in pain. Thank you.

Also, sorry about the long post. I’m sad.