Please don’t judge me.

Like the title says please don’t judge me I feel absolutely horrible already. I just don’t know what to do. This is going to be a long one but please keep reading.

To start off: this year has been the worst year of my entire life. Me and my husband split up because he cheated on me with multiple people including a guy. This isn’t the first time I had caught him either. But this led me into the deepest darkest depression I’ve ever been in. All I wanted to do was die, I got out on Meds started going to therapy started to find my self a little bit. Here the thing I have 2 babies, my son who is 5 and my daughter who is 1.5, now my son is a hand full and has been hitting my daughter. I mean like gave her a black eye and has 2 more bruises on her face. This whole year I’ve had so many problems with him because he tears up everything in the house. For instance one time he stabbed the walls in my apartment and scraped all the paint off my cabinets. Now obviously after this I made sure he wouldn’t be able to touch a knife again. Btw he did this when I was in the shower, they were both napping and he got up after I was in. I’ve had babysitters quit on me because he’s so aggressive towards the other little ones. I sent them to my Nana’s because I couldn’t handle it anymore no one would watch my kids because of him. I felt so alone I didn’t know what to do so my nana begged me to send them to stay with her. She’s in Cali I’m in AZ. He did good from what she was telling me, but when I got them back because of the virus it just went back to the same shit as before especially the anger/destructive behavior part.

So this is where I need help because of all that’s been going on it’s been making me angry. I try hard not to whoop my son, I’ve been trying time-outs, taking things away, I’ve tried talking to him, I’ve tried doing everything I could possibly think of so I don’t spank him. Most of the time this throws me into a panic attack where I curl up in to a ball and start rocking back n forth. Last night I broke, I got so tired of him hitting my daughter and destroying my house and just not listening that I spanked him with a plastic spoon, he kept screaming and moving and I grabbed him and i told him to stop, I went to spank him but it hit his side, and then I finally actually spanked him on the butt. Well this morning when I looked at his I noticed bruises on his butt, just above his butt on the side, and on his arm where I grabbed him. I don’t know what to do though I feel like shit that it happened, I feel like I failed my son as a mother. I know the whole situation went way too damn far and I told him I was sorry. My husband is in prison and will be out in 5 days. He’s been in for almost a year now. The only reason I told him we would be together is if we did marriage counseling which he agreed to.

I’m writing this because I need help, I’m scared if I say something they will take my babies away and I don’t think I could handle that mentally, my kids have been the only thing helping me fight this battle please somebody help me.

**Edit**

I guess you guys were confused about what happened with my husband and for that I’m sorry, so my husband was on probation (I’m not saying for what it’s not my story to tell🤷‍♀️) and they kept dicking him around so he went back to prison to kill his number because he was tired of dealing with there shit. We had been dealing with them our whole relationship. Im getting back with my husband because he swears the only reason he did anything was because he felt out of control with this whole probation shit. I told him this is the last time I will ever take him back, and he better be willing to stick to the counseling to really understand why he did it in the first place. I can see he’s actually trying. I don’t want to give up on him. I love him and I want him to be happy.

As for my son I have not taken him in yet. The places that I have been calling around me are not accepting new patients because of the virus. My nana is my dads mom she is 75 years old, they were doing good but my nana is too old to handle him for any longer, that was part of the reason I had gotten them. Plus my son is going to be starting online school this year so I have to help him with that. This is why I feel so stuck, I think when my husband gets out maybe it will help my son. But if it doesn’t, then I’m just going to feel like even more of a failure. I just wanted some advice on what to do because I’m so so fucking scared to say anything because I don’t want them taken from me. I really feel like I failed my kids. I know my son has gone through ALOT this year, but I still hold him accountable for his actions. My nana thinks I’m too hard on him when he does the things he does but I don’t. I love them so damn much I just want what is best for them. I just want my family to be happy. And above all safe.