Single moms/moms who have been single in the past

I am struggling so hard. I just need to know that it gets better 😭

I have a 3 year old whose dad has never and will never be involved (he raped me and chose to not be involved) and a 7 month old who’s dad is an alcoholic nightmare (was super charismatic, hid his issue well, we only dated three months and my BC didn’t work..I found out a week after we broke up).

Prior to kids I was an equine therapist (physical therapist on race horses) and moved home to have family support. I had been living in my parents shop apartment for the last 3 years and intended to sacrifice full independence to be able to raise my son while he was so young, so when he got to preschool age I intended to hit the ground running since I did have the support to be able to do this. So I nannied, paid rent and paid for our bills/essentials my parents mainly helped with cheaper rent than anywhere else and occasional childcare help which I rarely needed.

Well then I got pregnant with my second right as I was starting to get to the point of being able to put him into preschool and he was ready. So it feels like starting over. Except now with covid I lost my job, my ex reported the shop apartment (which is not the issue he claims so will blow over but my parents want nothing to do with the drama) so we are in the main house until I can find a place which is even more difficult with no job obviously.

I’ve applied to 50+ jobs with the state and in essential businesses that would make sense pay wise because I need to be making $20/hr to be able to afford childcare and the cheaper side of rent and groceries, and it’s so discouraging and frustrating. And overwhelming trying to plan developmental activities for my boys and also applying to all these jobs (which all require some write up to apply), and do it all. All while tip toeing around my parents’ way they like to live which is fine, it’s their house, it’s just now how I want to have to be where I’m living with my kids as far as walking on eggshells and not having the ability to just let some messes go for the sake of my sanity.

I just feel like it’s been an uphill battle that has no end or even a slight break! And feeling super down and discouraged. Most days I do ok, can find some encouragement and pull myself up by my bootstraps but getting just tired. So freakin tired. It doesn’t help that neither of my kids are sleeping well either right now. And then my mom asks about my job search and when I say no one is hiring, those are all the responses I’ve gotten even from essential businesses and she says “lots of places are hiring” and I want to hit my head against the wall. I’m doing everything I can and feel just so defeated constantly..