I just don’t know anymore

I saw a famous rapper’s daughter reply a fan when asked what message would she leave to herself, and when she said “I'd tell her I'm sorry because I know she unhappy but I literally have no idea on how to make her happy”.. and I couldn’t relate anymore. I just don’t know what to do anymore. It’s to the point where I’m not sure if my life actually sucks or if I really am mentally fucked up & just can’t be happy. I have a husband, we’ve been together for 4 years, married 2. Still no kids. I have PCOS, but NO abnormal cysts on my ovaries..?? I’m finally on metformin, but it’s taking forever to work.. and that’s IF it even work. Metformin is literally the last option I can afford. I’ve tried everything else I can think of. And no, I cannot afford

IVF

or any of those costly insurances. And I supposed if I can’t afford that, I can’t afford a baby right? Who’s to say I’d be a great mom anyway. And it’s so crazy, I was always afraid to get pregnant at that age but when I was younger (wasn’t even having sex btw), I would think about how much I can’t wait to become an adult, have a daughter & be there for her like my parents hardly were.. to listen to her, try understanding her & giving her confidence to confide in me as much as possible because lord knows I cannot relate. And look at me now, can’t make that happen. Go figure.

Let’s not forget to mention, I’m not the cutest either. You know how most women either have a beautiful face OR at least a banging body IF not both? Well, I have neither. I’ve never had either, even as a younger child. My nose is huge, I’ve been overweight for my age just about all my life, the side of my face & the underneath of my chin is ridiculously ugly from all the black spots &/or hair from constant hair growth, my feet are so big & ugly, skin so dark, my hair even does what it want. So I pierced my septum to try helping how big my nose is (stupid I know lol but I’ve wanted since I was 16 due to that reason), I also pierced my nipples because my boobs were boring.. small & weird looking. I also wear lashes a lot to give myself a girly appearance since I look like a big man. Hell, a man jokingly called me a man at a gas station one day. Someone held the door open for me & a man shouted out “don’t hold the door open for no man” smh. But my left eye keeps developing a stein as of the last 2 times I tried wearing them so I just stopped. I know looks aren’t everything but who doesn’t want to look good, who wants to be called ugly, fat or any other names all their life. I’ve always been the fat friend or the “burnt cookie”.

I currently live with my mother in-law until we can save up money to BUY a house instead of renting. We lived on our own for years but something always went wrong with the rental. I hate living with this woman, she’s bipolar, miserable & a lot of other things that doesn’t matter right now.. just know I have to go ASAP & I love being in the comfort of my OWN home. But moral of that mini story is: I bust my butt at my job. Work a double &/or pick up a shift whenever they need, switch shifts whenever someone need, hardly ever request anything, haven’t called in since 2016 & that was only ONCE, barely complain, and work the shifts no one wants to work yet they refuse to pay me more than $8.50/hr, which is pretty much starting pay. I left for a few months but came back in November 2019 & they haven’t put me back at my old pay yet. My old pay was 2$ higher, which still isn’t much but it was more than $8.50. And nowhere else is going

To start me off more, plus I’m really good at my current job which is why I came back. It’s easy to me since I’ve been there so long, I’m comfortable there. But the pay is discouraging, and I don’t feel appreciated for how hard I work. They tell me I do a great job but the pay don’t match.

My husband is honestly double standard as hell, stubborn (hate to be wrong, start arguments then deny it, blame me for arguments he’s caused, don’t see wrong in his actions/attitudes), lashes out for nothing to where I hate hearing him raise his voice, and is somewhat mentally abusive. I’ve left him plenty of times, he has walked out on me plenty of times. I’ve been cheated on in the past also & I can’t lie, it makes it very hard for me to trust sometimes but I openly show him I trust him now that his has stopped cheating but a part of me is still bitter about some situations because I KNOW I didn’t deserve it but it’s been 2 years & I need to learn to let pain go. I’m not perfect, and I wasn’t always a perfect girlfriend nor wife. I understand that. But point is, we are toxic. I want to leave him at least once every 2 weeks due to his inability to understand where I’m coming from or how I feel. I feel manipulated because of the good heart I have. I feel like he don’t respect me as an adult, as if I’m a child but he disagrees.

It’s so much more wrong with my life, I could honestly keep going but I’d hate to talk you guys to sleep. I’m just getting off of work, feet aching like no tomorrow.. thinking about how I got to this point of wanting to die everyday. And even if I’m having a good day, I still refuse to take back wishing to not be alive or even born because I know at the end of the day, the bad I’ve experienced outweighs the good. And I know my situation/life could be worse & my problems may seem minor to someone else but this is how I feel. Sorry. Not looking for any sympathy.. I just needed to clear my mind a bit. Don’t have much friends or support.