Happy birthday in heaven....

It’s been 6months since Emmett passed away. I’ve been slowly picking up the pieces but always seem to stop and admire them. Admire what used to be and live in the past. Looking at old photos and videos of all of the cuddles and smiles I’ll never see or feel again. My journey with Emmett was trying at times and there were days I just didn’t know if I’d make it through. But he always got me out of bed. How can such a tiny human have such an impact on someone?

I loved him, I love him. He was perfect. He was beautiful. And he was mine. Picking him up and cuddling him was my favorite part of the day, he was always so happy even when he struggled. I never knew I could love someone so much that it could actually make your heart ache.

I miss his smile and how he would look for my voice and smile. I miss hearing his little coos when he got excited or how he’d stick his tongue out when he smelt something good.

These last few months have been so hard. But I started to allow myself to smile and rejoin life with people who care about me. But am I allowed to be happy even though he’s gone? And when I think of a moment where I wish I could do this with him I fall apart. Back to square one.

Today is his birthday... he turns 3. I had so many ideas for a party, I was so excited to make it to the big 3! That number forever engraved into my mind from the doctors, most babies with his condition don’t live past or to 3. But what he did do exceeded all the expectations and he beat the odds many times. 2yrs and 5 months of Beating the odds and making memories.

Memories I hold so dear... I have only one wish. That I may one day see you again. See you run and play, to feel your sweet little arms wrap around me so tight and to hear your sweet voice speak words for the first time.

Mommy loves you so much.... Happy Birthday in heaven.