I’m gonna try make this quick because it is soooo long but I have had enough. Advice only please don’t judge me xx

I’m 16 and I am from a Muslim family and we are quite strict but I live in the UK I am not allowed male friends espeically a boyfriend. My older brother is 20. For years my brother has been so horrible to me, starting at me for no reason, etc but mostly trying to find bad things out about me to turn the family against me.

So I’m gonna make this quick so I’ll start on the fight that recently happened.

I have my own MacBook So I do college work on it since it’s lockdown, my Apple ID was connected to it so I can FaceTime friends and stuff. I was speaking to a boy from my college, he is so sweet, and we haven’t met or anything we are just getting to know eachother on iMessage he is complimenting me and making me feel happy, I have sent him nudes before but on snapchat but it’s crazy because if u know me u know I am a really really insecure person so he made me feel better because I am so insecure about my body and my facial features. He made me feel better and I know I shouldn’t send nudes I’m sorry and I wasn’t presusred it was my decision.

My brother told my mum he needs my laptop to look to buy some things off eBay, I didn’t mind, he decided to not look for things on eBay but to look through my MacBook, and he came across the messages. Then he somehow got into my iCloud? And got all my nudes. I was asleep in my room and my mum came in and she slapped me which is ok she didn’t beat me but she was just speaking to me she was so disappointed but she was saying hurtful things the boy is black because they looked at his whatsapp picture and she started making racist comments about him and then saying things to me how I am slag a whore I deserve to be killed, when I was 11 / 12 my aunty would’ve touched me in places she shoudlnt, the police got involved and karma got her but my mum started saying how she should’ve killed me whilst she did it and we have neighbours who are black and she started saying how I should go to their house and let them all fuck me etc etc.

My brother stood outside the whole time, he came in and started saying the most horrible things saying how im a hood rat, I get gang banged, even my girl friend when they come they probably fuck me with a dildo, I stink, my private parts are this, that, etc etc. I started crying so much the things he said hurt me so bad. I told him to stop he wouldn’t he carried on, I ran out the room and ran downstairs they locked all doors because they knew I’d try run away I’ve ran away twice before for similar things.

He came downstairs and dragged me and started beating me so bad

This is only my face And only photo of bruise I took this on my mums phone and sent to my Instagram account and deleted the dm so she doesn’t know. He started beating me so bad I couldn’t even see properly i was in so much pain I kept screaming I ran into the kitchen he came after me and kept beating me and I dropped to the floor he got my fingers and bended them back and they are still so swollen then I finally got up but I was pushed on the kitchen counter he kept beating me I couldn’t even see properly I was in so much pain there was some drawers beside me on the other kitchen counter I opened it and I pulled out a knife and I regret it it’s bc he wouldn’t get off me I tried to hold it up I promise u I swear on my life my mums life my dads life i never would’ve stabbed I held it up so he moves away from me but he quickly pulled me by my hair and dashed me to the floor the knife slipped out my hand and cut my hand so badly

It gave him the TINIEST SCRATCH on his belly and it was so tiny it was a scratch barely blood my mum started joining in saying I hurt him and was defending him so much but nothing it was a scratch I couldn’t even defend myself when I was getting beat

I’m sick and I’m tired

It’s healing I think but it still kills.

(Also I got the tattoo when I was with my cousin and aunty in Sweden they aren’t as strict as my parents my family in Sweden r so nice my mum hated it and my brother but obviously my family encouraged them to let me get it btw just incase anyone wonders because over there we found someone who can do it for me lol)

My brother to this day still comes and randomly cusses me out.

Now I am not saying this for attention but I have never been so suicidal in my entire life. Everyday since this incident even other incidents I had suicidal thought but this one made it worst.

I’ve been thinking of ending my life

I hate myself so much I make stupid decisions I should’ve knwon this would happen I’m so ugly and I’m so hurt right now because of my family. I knew we are iraqi and we can’t let this kind of stuff happen but my brother

He is literally hurting me so much

He even got into my facebook account somehow!

Please help me

I need advice

I need help I’ve never been so suicidal