Hi, I’m currently 17 years old. For the past few years I’ve been struggling with self harm and I finally got myself to stop. I’ve thought about suicide in the past, but I guess they were just passing thoughts? Now things have gone on for so long that I’m just seriously contemplating and I don’t know what to do anymore.

On one hand, I rationalize that no one will miss me if I’m gone and that I’m not needed. I constantly think that I’m useless, not good at anything, and honestly am just a waste of space. Every time I think about the future, when I’m in post secondary, I think that I won’t be able to make it and I’ll just end up being a failure.

But on the other hand, I know I’m hesitant. I try to get better. I tell myself that it’s just hormones and things will get better. I say that other people have it worse than me so I should stop whining.

Despite all of that, I feel like I can’t deal with this anymore and that it’s better if I just go quietly. Without telling anyone close to me or leaving a letter behind for anyone to read.

I don’t want to tell anyone because it feels like I’m just bothering them... My parents don’t believe in “mental illness” or “depression”. They’ve seen me self harm and just insulted me then swept it under the rug. I don’t want to tell my friends because it’s like I’m just complaining to them and I don’t want to hurt them. I’ve talked to help lines before but it’s beginning to feel redundant. I want to get a therapist or go to a doctor, but I’m afraid that I’m just overreacting and “faking” all of this.

So in the end, I don’t know what to do anymore. This train of thought will continue until I ultimately decide to end it all.

Whether you’ve gone through something similar or know someone who has, do you have any advice?

Sorry for talking so much and thank you for those who read this.