Someone please help me....

This is going to be complicated, I'll try to make this easy to understand. Last year my brother passed away and a few weeks later I started dating this guy and I fell in love with him. Only problem was I had been talking to another guy for about a year and was not over him. Basically I'm in love with two guys. The one that has been around longer didn't want a relationship and I think I was a mess from my brother passing so I jumped into a relationship with someone I just met. He was sweet but also overpowering. If I didn't respond fast enough or did not spend all my free time with him, he would get upset. He didn't have a job or drive he is 19 and I'm 20. So I'd pay for everything and drive 40 mins everyday to see him . My mom paid for him to surprise me and he flew 3,000 miles to see me when I went home for Christmas. I recently broke up with him because everything was too hard and it was too much. I felt like it wasn't fair for me to think about both of them. I really miss him though, I just don't know if we are supposed to be together. What makes it harder is that the day I broke up with him he went and hung out with the two girls I didn't like him talking about while we were together. He wants to get back together and I love him. I just don't know what to do. I've been crying and I have no friends that I can talk to this about. I feel like throwing up and it's hard to eat. I don't know what to do and I'm losing my mind. I broke his heart and I need to give him his stuff back but I don't want to see him. I watched a video and I heard his voice and I started crying, seeing him smile and hearing him laugh breaks my heart. But then we have this other guy who I have been in love with for a long time and we agreed that I need to heal from my breakup before we can even talk about a relationship but I don't know what the right choice is. I'm so sad and confused... I just need a friend... Please... Someone help me, I feel so alone.... I love the both of them, I think the first one understood that neither of us were ready for a relationship. Which is why he kept saying no especially after my brother passed. The second one said yes. It wasn't like I didn't love the first one I was just kinda dumb and wanted a way to forget the pain.