I. Am. So. Tired.

I have 5 children. 3 biological and 2 that we've had full custody of for 3+ years. The only reason we have legally adopted is because we simply don't have the money. We pulled the money from my husband's retirement to win custody in the first place. The 2 boys were given to us by their bio grandmother who we'd met through school. It's really a long story. Anyway, we knew she was abusive and had called CPS multiple times on her. In court, it was stated by social services had been called 131 times in 6 years before the boys were FINALLY removed from her care. Again, LONG Story. Of my 3 biological kids one has a terminal diagnosis of Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy and without divine medical intervention will only make it to his mid 20's (hopefully). The 2 boys that we have custody of are riddled with behavioral and mental health issues. Like, extensive. We currently have 10 mental/behavioral health providers on our team to help with the situation. This does not count the MULTIPLE providers we've had involved throughout these last 3 years. Let me say LOUD AND CLEAR that we LOVE these boys. We had been a part of their lives for 4 years prior to them living with us full time. Hair cuts, clothes, bathing, field trips, coaching, feeding, etc, you name it. So, when their grandmother called and was like, "Hey, will you take them?" There was never a doubt in our minds. They come from terrible circumstances. She was proven guilty of mental and physical neglect for the youngest, only physical neglect on the oldest. She lost all rights and has no further contact. Their bio mom showed up out of the blue after 10 years during the court proceedings attempting to regain custody however lost for very good reason. Again, long, long story. Here's the problem...or problems should I say. The oldest one (14) hates me. Has since we got full custody. At first it was because he thought we had just simply taken him away from bio gma. That certainly was NOT the case. For the last 2 years it's just simply even a battle. My house feels like awar zone. He believes that all women are inferior to the male sex and has gone so far as to tell his psychiatrist that he doesn't have to respect his teachers at school because they're female. He backpacks, is rude, condescending, and arrogant. When attempting to argue with him he becomes so irrational that you just have to walk away.. believe me,, there is more, so, so much more. .Bio gma favored him over his younger brother and he was treated like king in her house while his younger brother was beaten and starved (literally) as punishment. In the many counselors words we have essentially "demoted" him while "promoting" his younger brother simply by treating them equally. However, the youngest has his own set of extensive behavioral and mental health issues. Namely stealing, lying, cheating, physical aggression (I've had to call the police 3x in the last 2 years because of his escalation and physical aggression. We've had in-home counseling, outpatient counseling, psychiatry, etc. Jan-March the oldest started claiming suicidal ideation and the outbursts, physical aggression, etc was so bad that the school was calling me almost daily. He ended up being hospitalized four times between Dec and feb. My son with DMD relies on my physically for most of his needs. My youngest is only 9 and needs a different part of me. My daughter is the only girl, therefore also requires a different part of me. Having 5 children isn't the issue. I LOVE being a mom. I coach, chaperone, volunteer, bake cookies, teach, do the laundry, etc. But I have 5 children each with their own unique identities and needs. Pre-Covid I worked part time as an occupational therapy assistant and I LOVED my career choice. With 5 kids with varrying appointments and special needs, full-time just wasn't an option. Due to Covid-19, I've had to leave my job to stay home with the kids. My job put me at high risk an with an immunocompromised child it was the best choice for family. My husband is still working. In his defense, it's a crazy stressful position and he's exhausted by the time he gets home in the evenings. He comes home everyday to a spotless house and warm dinner on the table. I handle all of our bills, grocery shopping, appointments, prescriptions, etc. He wants for nothing. It has been like this since we've been married, think college, full-time, and part time work. I've always handled the "details". And honestly, I've never minded. It's just the way our relationship has worked. I'm very much "maintenance mom" and he's "fun dad". And he is that, a wonderful father! I couldn't brag about that enough. BUT, I feel....idk "stuck ". I don't know what my interest are or if I even have anymore. Being a wife and mother for the past 15 years is all I've known. At least when I was working pre-covid, I was with a patient from time to time to and in those moments, I was nobody's wife or mother. I don't even really know why I'm writing this. Maybe today is just a bad day (it was, trust me ). I just don't think my husband really gets what it's like to live MY life daily. I'm so exhausted. So, here's to me hiding in the bathtub with my bottle of wine until my anger passes.