I don’t know what I want to do

Chloe

I graduated with my bachelors this past December. Only one out of my cousins and myself to do so. I feel like I should be proud but I feel numb. Like the last few semesters were like a kid finishing the vegetables they didn’t want.

I graduated with a creative portfolio with work I’ve found and have gotten on my own. I had my creative work to continue to build that and an adjacent job to that which is kind and works with me on scheduling.

With the exception of an emotionally draining holiday trip ( waking up to the sounds pf my parents fighting and throwing things) I’ve been either working or at school nonstop for about two years until covid shut down theatres. That last creative job before the quarantine I felt so little joy in it which I in part credit to the director who is a great visionary but very demanding. But still I lacked the joy in the career I spent all of college working towards. I racked up 70k in debt yo go to a school where i could network myself into jobs.

The idea that I chose wrong scares me. I’ve spent so much time, money, and my mental health on this I don’t know what else I would do. Because of the state of things I thought school again could be a good idea to expand my skills but I don’t know what I’d be passionate about or how to find something I’m passionate about. I don’t have work of any kind to hide behind and make myself feel whole. I don’t have many friends. And I’m lacking hobbies or things outside of work or a comatose streaming binge in my life. It’s so hard to get out of bed now. Ive had to give up my apartment alone and move in with my family. I have no idea how I’m going to pay off my 1k a month student loan payments starting in august.

Please how do I find things to feel happy about? How do I find work I’m passionate about? I’ve tried to talk to my mom about this and she says she can’t take how I’m unable to see the good in my life anymore. She reminds me that I’m back with my family a d have fewer responsibilities but that just makes me feel worse about not being able yo get out of bed or find things I feel enthusiastic about.

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