Moving on/ venting

VENTING LONG POST

I was dating a guy that was extremely abusive. He would hit me or hold me down and tell me just to take it. He began to rape me, and would say if I got pregnant he would just punch me in the stomach or push me down the stairs to kill the baby. He was controlling and got me away from my family and friends. He would say things to me that still haunt me. He had an extremely strange relationship with his mom and had said he will ever only love her. He was addicted to porn and would lie about it.

He then started talking about how he would go about school shootings. And I think I was just so traumatized that I couldn’t leave, I was scared he would kill me. I was so scared he would kill my family. I finally moved to my parents house and one night I woke up to him having sex with me. He had broken into their home and in my sleep and sex with me. I just remember crying and him getting off me and leaving. No remorse. Nothing.

A couple months later I kept trying to just get him to leave. I stopped texting and calling and sooner than later he found another girl and we sort of just ended.

A month later or two. I started having extreme pain in my ears. I didn’t know what was going on. I was a nursing student and still couldn’t figure it out. My dads a doctor moms a nurse we didn’t know. So we went to the hospital and found out I was not only in labor but was all the way at. 10 ready to push. I hadn’t gained weight, never had sickness or anything. I still had bleeding throughout obviously not periods but something. I ended up being severely preeclampic. I was so sick. Was unconscious for a week. Blood transfusions all the works. It was awful.

I finally got to meet my son four days later. For a couple minutes before he was transferred to another hospital for their NCIU. I didn’t get to see my son until a week later.

I was pushed into telling my ex the day after I had my son. I didn’t want to but my family kept telling me it was the right thing to do.

Since then it’s been two years... my ex is a narcissistic anti social guy. Going through court throughout these years has been horrible. He’s had supervised visits barley shows up. We went to court and finally his parents could be the supervisors at a public place so I allowed them to do it at a mall, in which they molested my son. Left bruising all over my child, couldn’t change his diaper after the visits because he was so scared, he came back with his butt bleeding, would scream and cry because you have to send them or else you’re withholding. DHS got involved and agreed they had molested him and so they’re doing supervised visits over FaceTime for now... my son just hides and says no momma no. He is starting to have PTSD moments. Waking up screaming no.... covid ring his privates saying ow ow.

I cannot describe everything that has happened, but it’s been so traumatic. I feel like I’m getting so hard towards people. I feel so tired of fighting. So tried of being scared. I feel like this has been such a hard couple years I just pray that it starts getting better.