He drown

I’m an ER nurse. Last night was a mother’s worst nightmare. I had to do CPR on an 18month that drown in a pool while his mother and father looked on. I had push in his chest over and over again for an hour. We got his heart started again but only medicine was keeping it going. I had to tell his mother and father while his body was technically alive his brain and what made their sweet boy who he is wasn’t there anymore. That he had been without oxygen to long. I tried to give them hope of a miracle all while knowing the reality of what the next few hours held for them. I had to do it knowing I’d go home to a healthy alive 8months old. I’m holding my son who looks so much like their it’s kinda scary right now while he naps on my chest. I’m holding him tighter this morning. I’m crying for them and their sweet boy because I know he’s gone from them and that any minute is they’re making the decision to turn off the machines that are keeping his heart alive. I can’t imagine that decision, that as my actual reality. My job sucked last night. Even my best wasn’t enough to do more then buy them a few more hours with their precious baby. I’m not okay but I spent 8 more hours after sending that baby to the PICU to die having to pretend I cared about people’s STD’s and sore throats for 2 hours. I held a mother whose world fell apart while a woman in the next room who literally knew what was happening next door to her got mad at me for not bringing her a warm blanket because I had none left. I used every last one on that baby.

I just needed to get that out....