I want to get better
3 years ago I got raped by my cousins husband. The assulting lasted for a few weeks. I was scared and did not 100% understand completely what happened to me. I was a vergin and was only 17 and have never been in a relationship before or even held hands with a guy. I was in so much denial and just told myself I can forget the whole thing. I was afraid to talk. A couple months after this all my family on my moms side disowned me after they found a photo of me in a bra on his phone. My aunt stole my horse from me. My mom ranted her mouth which ended up with most of my close friends disowning me and me having very bad trust issues with my mom. Still no one in my family knows he raped me or even layed a hand on me. They diaowned me and blocked me without asking me what happened. I meet someone around this time who was just about to join the military. He ended up leaving for bootcamp as everything was going wrong with my family. I was completely alone. I blamed myself more and more every day. I became numb and was planning on ending my life. One reason I didn't is because of my dog. She was my other half and the only thing I had during this time. I almost followed through one night but I didn't because of my dog. She needed me more then anything. She was a rescue herself that I took in the year before and I became her safe place. I remember cry screaming with a bottle of alcohol with me and holding my dog tightly when I almost fallowed through. This was a turning point to get better. I started trying my hardest to get better. 2017 and 2018 were very hard years for me but 2019 was actually a good year. The man I met in 2017 I married. I got a good job and was even working with horses again after trying to accept i would never see my horse again. I worked hard and had a lot of good things happen to me. This year though I'm starting to go back down hill. I made a huge move being in the military and my new job is not very pleasant. The pepple I work with are not pleasant. Being in a new area while always feeling like a problem had slowly pulled me apart again. I'm having panic attacks and am loosing weight again. I'm having flash backs to the assault. My husband knows my whole story and even works in behavior health. He can see my falling apart again. Last night was a bad night for me. I had a really bad panic attack and flashbacks. My heart was racing, my chest hurting and i couldn't catch my breath. It lasted all night and into the morning. Today I've made the decision to get help. I can't fall back into that hole. I started calling counselors. Its been something I've put off for 3 years but I need it. So I'm hoping this is the beginning to recovering correctly and not just hiding from my past. I just want to get better.