Just needed to tell someone

When I was 19 I was raped by my now ex fiancé. We had an on again off again relationship because he never wanted to commit to me. He liked the sex but never really wanted more. We had been fighting and I was getting up the courage to leave him. He always guilted me when I was the one doing the leaving. He asked me to marry him during a fight and I was scared to say no. So I said yes. I avoided seeing him for the next week or so. When I did see him next it was at my college dorm. He wanted sex. I didn’t. He didn’t care. He told me it was my fault he was erect and that I needed to take care of it. I asked him to stop and told him he was hurting me. But I never fought back or screamed. For years I blamed myself for being in that situation. I thought if only I had been better. That somehow if I had been a better fiancée that he wouldn’t have done that. That I should have just pleased him from the beginning. Then I got mad and blamed myself because I didn’t scream or fight him. I just froze and waited for it to be over. He yelled at me that night for making him feel like a rapist. A few weeks later I had sex with him. I felt like having sex with him on my terms would make me feel like I was in control again. I wanted to feel like i was able to take control of my body and my sexuality. A month later I finally found the courage to leave him. I sank into a bad depression. So bad my family started to worry about me. I didn’t leave bed. Didn’t shower. Why bother. Now I’m in therapy and finally regaining control. It’s not my fault he raped me. I sometimes still blame myself and I have to remind myself that he made that choice. The choice to ignore me when I said no. No one deserves to go through that pain. I felt alone. I now am slowly starting to speak out. It’s hard. I still relive it sometimes. I never reported it. I thought no one would believe me. That I deserved it because society too often blames the victim of sexual assault. It is never the victims fault. NEVER. THEY DID NOT ASK TO BE ASSAULTED. I STAND WITH THE SURVIVORS BECAUSE I SURVIVED AND IT HAS CHANGED MY LIFE FOREVER