Love after abuse

Love isn’t someone tearing you down so that they can kiss and make up.

Love isn’t having to be with your partner 24/7.

Love isn’t crazy making.

Love isn’t intense fighting and intense sex.

Love isn’t giving up what you want for another person.

Love isn’t power and control.

I thought that was love for 8 years. 8 years in which I lost myself to manage the emotion of my partner. 8 years in which I learned to have no preference. 8 years of not feeling safe in my home, of night terrors, of damaged relationships with family and friends. 8 years of long nights fighting, being cornered in my home, broken down doors, holes in the wall. 8 years of getting in my car, shoeless, without my wallet, driving all hours of the night to escape my nightmare at home.

In the beginning I stayed because I’d never been loved before. I stayed because the good times were so very good. I stayed because we created a life together and I believed that he’d get the help he needed for us to live out our dream. I stayed because I stopped loving myself. I stayed because I was scared of the unknown. I stayed because well intended others told me I was brave and loyal for doing so.

I left when I decided that no matter what, I was no longer investing into a relationship that was ruining my life. I left when I shed the shame and guilt of taking back the vows I’d made on my wedding day. I left when I accepted that life alone was better than life with him.

I fell in love with me when I started to keep my promises made to myself. I loved myself when I gave permission to live the life of my dreams, regardless of the expectations placed on me by others. I loved myself when I said no to relationships and activities that do not align with my values and goals.

I fall love with him, the man of my dreams, when he continues to show up for me in consistent and thoughtful ways. I fall in love with him when he takes the time and space he needs to be a healthy partner for me. I fall in love with him when he takes accountability. I fall in love with him in the quiet, uneventful moments, when I feel safe, cared for and loved.

Love is patient and kind.

Love is stable and calm.

Love is trust.

Love is honesty and boundaries.

Love is loving yourself enough that you can give and receive it with another.