*TRIGGER WARNING* just the fact I have to put that there because of how common this situation is.. ):

I was sexually abused several different times through my life. I’d like to vent about one person particularly though.

This person was married to my grandmother and legally adopted my mother. I rarely went to visit growing up but when I was about 8 I went to live with them while my mom was with her boyfriend cleaning up hurricane ike.

I was only there four months. Every single day he’d abuse me. I went to school while I was there and my grandmother still had a job. He was retired so he’d be home. He picked me up and dropped me off, and we’d have a couple hours at the house together. He liked to play games and as an active kid I did too. Every day we’d play together. The games were stuff like basketball, jump rope, find the thimble, and wii. He’d make me all my meals at certain times and rewarded me w icecream if I was good that day. Anyways everything seemed like a game or reward. If I’m bad I was punished. If I was good I wouldn’t be, until later. When I lost he’d touch me and undress me. My grandmother would be there at night and during weekends but I don’t remember ever seeing her really. He started making comments to me, like when I’d dress up he’d mention wanting to marry me instead of his wife and things like I look too good for my age it’s hard for men to not want me. I was given every toy I wanted and a very beautiful wooden dollhouse, gifts to keep my mouth shut. He’d take naps and make me lay beside him the whole time, putting his hands in my pants and licking his fingers after. Eventually I’d start to moving away and telling him no. That doesn’t stop men like this so he’d force me. Ask me not to tell because he’d go to jail and I’d hurt everyone. One time I found a shotgun in the closet. He caught me looking at it and said it’s for protection, for if I told anyone he’d use it to protect him, by shooting me and my grandmother and my mother and siblings after. He locked me in the closet for a while to make sure I knew he was serious. Eventually I stopped going near him altogether and told my grandmother I wanted to go back to my mom. I did shortly after but shed have me visit. When I visited I would stay in my room the whole time, every day wondering why I was there. I stopped visiting after a couple times. I hadn’t seen then since I was 11.

Years later I started remembering more and more about what had happened and realizing how awful it was. I was worried about my younger cousins still around him. It took a while to get the courage but I ended up calling the police station in the town they were in and explained in short what he did. It was simply a phone call and I was to wait to hear back. I was 17 when I called, worried that when I turned 18 it’d be completely ignored. Apparently after so much time has passed and there’s no evidence, there’s not much they could do, but I called anyways...

A year later I was told by my mother that he shot himself, twice and was in the hospital. He had pancreatic cancer and was already dying. Two days passed, he was put on hospice and sent home. That night he was pronounced dead.

I just turned 21 years old and had my family come out for my birthday. My grandmother visited. I hadn’t seen or talked to her since I was 11. The day after she got there she confessed she didn’t help him while he was on hospice and that’s why he died. She got a phone call the day before he shot himself from the detective. Explained that he shot himself to avoid being prosecuted and not because of the cancer. Went on to tell us that he abused my aunt also. He lied about all of it until he passed. When she was done explaining she hugged me and apologized, told me he had her under his control too. My sister told me to let her know I appreciated her telling us, but I truly didn’t. It didn’t change a damn thing.

And that’s it. No less and with so much more I didn’t mention. He’s dead now and everyone knows I was sexually abused by him. Not the extent of what he did or when or how. He’s dead and I’m still here to live with every bit of the weight. They’ll never know the truth and I don’t think I’ll ever fully know either.

There’s nothing else to this post other than that. I can’t do anything else about it now. I would have done it much differently had I known the outcome. I’m afraid there’s nothing to help me feel better. The only justification would have been to put him in jail and let him rot. He’s gone now though and everyone knows.

Please don’t suggest a therapist or medication and please don’t tell me “well he’s dead now” because that’s worse..

Please just know that is my story and only one of them. I’m a human and I’m doing my best to cope with it. Thanks for reading if you made it this far

Update: no ones even seen this but it’s consumed every part of me. I don’t think anything could ever help me feel relief from this. I know it could be so much worse and It’s terrible but that’s the only thing keeping me strong. I just hope others get what they deserve from reporting their abusers. God knows I really tried..