Random rage

Hi ladies.

Tonight, my partner drove me to the point of insanity (home late, drunk, drove his car, spent some of our house deposit savings on gambling) and I literally felt this rage come over me when I saw him walk in the door and I lost myself to it. I was screaming and shouting and I even slapped my stomach to try to get my partner to listen to me (like "look at this- we are having a baby, grow up") and to get him to take me seriously as he never respects my concerns. We have the same discussion about his overspending every damn week and I just went nuts tonight, when I am usually a very calm and collected person. We are also a great couple other than his overspending- we are very happy and loving and rarely get mad. But tonight, I felt this rage take over like never before.

When I slapped my stomach, he lost it. He thinks I was trying to harm the baby. He cried, which he never has for our entire relationship of 6 years. He was so inconsolable and sobbing cos he thought I wanted to hurt the baby on purpose. He hasn't let it go for the past 4 hours and I am feeling worse with each passing second. He keeps calling me a baby basher and I feel sick. He said I should be more upset and says he will never forget this- but he can't understand that it wasn't intentional to the baby, it was a reaction to rage.

Of course I didn't want to harm the baby. I feel insane for even having to say that. It was a reaction - I wasn't thinking straight but it has scared me that I got so full of rage and lost my shit.

I am booked for a csection next week due to breech presentation (I have been struggling to accept this as I envisioned a natural birth- first time mum) and I am so concerned I've done some damage to my baby from the meltdown and all the emotions I am feeling.

I have calmed down now. Baby is moving, and continued to move as normal, in my tummy and seems to be fine but I feel so guilty. I would never ever want to harm my beautiful baby we waited so long for.

I feel like this baby deserves better than me tonight. I really scared myself.

I dont know what to do from here. Im not sure what I'm expecting from sharing, and I know some may believe I'm insane or in a toxic mental state, but I just had to get this off my chest.