I hate myself

It felt good to write, so here is my mind if anyone cares to read. Probably not. It’s understandable lol.

I’m just heartbroken. I assumed he genuinely was interested in me, but turned out, as always, it was just friendliness. Maybe it’s because growing up, I never got that attention from guys. “Dating” in school was simple like if they found you attractive, then automatically they like you and ask you out. I always assumed it was THAT fast. I wasn’t and still not the type of girls guys pine over nor think about. I was and still am just an average girl. Nothing special. I thought I was “ugly”, but really I was plain nothing. There wasn’t anything about me that struck wide eyes and a smile. There wasn’t anything about me that made people think, “God! She’s so beautiful!”. It’s not just physically but also personality. I’m pretty awkward, I talk and act funny (at least to me mostly), I lack intelligence. I may be “over the top” with genuine laughter and excitement but it’s plain annoying and childish. It’s been 3 days now and I can’t stop crying. I can’t get the words he said that I’ve heard countless times, “I want to be friends”. I understood but ofc, didn’t understand why ALWAYS guys wanted to be JUST friends with me. What exactly was it about me? I couldn’t get those words out of my head and assume he liked someone else especially in our class. Or that he felt sorry for me and was trying to do a “good deed”. He took his time to listen to me and I guess, “notice” some good things about me. I kept thinking I wish I was the one he thinks about. I start to compare and think of the what-ifs. If I was of fair skin, if I didn’t wear glasses, but mainly if my skin wasn’t dark. I can’t get it out of my head and it gives me anxiety. Every-time I think about it, I start to breathe heavily. I want to stop feeling this way. It hurts so much. I can’t focus on my studies. I wish I was beautiful inside and out.