Mom Guilt

It’s 10:30 pm here, my son won’t sleep. I’ve tried everything under the moon to try and get him to sleep, my patience is wearing thin. I’m just standing here, rocking back and forth with him, some of his night light stars projecting on the ceiling, soft music playing... it’s not working. I’m so tired, I’m a new mom, I’m 19. I wouldn’t trade this for the world, I wouldn’t want it any other way.

When I was younger, I had extreme anxiety. I was riddled with fear & my parents would just let me “cry it out.” I promised myself when I was a little girl I would never let my future children feel this feeling of emptiness. I would sleep with all the lights on, with a CD player running bedtime stories. All I wanted was comfort.

So while I stand here, extremely tired, aching from standing for so long with a big baby, I remind myself that I’m all he has. I’m his comfort, that I may not understand why he’s upset but I’m doing everything I can to make him happy, comfortable and make him feel safe.

I’m his mom. I do everything I can to make sure he’s comfortable.

But as I sway back and forth with him, I can’t help but sob silently. I’m trying so hard, I still don’t feel like enough for him.