I know I sound like a horrible person for saying this. But I had nothing but trauma and worst childhood, adolescence and youth thanks to my dad. He was this typical old fashioned, misogynistic, xenophobic religious man, who thinks that just because he refrains from smoking and drinking, he believes in God, he is above all. To him he is the perfect version of himself, and women are byproducts of sins. Yes. That's what he firmly believes in. So needless to say, since the day I was born, I was nothing but a liability, a shame and a burden on him. My mom is an orphan. She had nowhere to go. Mind you she did wanna take me and leave loads of times. But she couldn't. She was scared of the society, ostracizing her. I endured 27 years of his abuse, tyranny but finally I had enough and moved out. I've asked my mom to come away with me, but now she says that because her husband is 70 ish, he needs her. I don't know why she keeps up with his abuse, the name calling and still feels it's her duty to look after his sorry ass.

They say that you have to let go of the hate to grow in life, to be a better person. And believe me I tried for years. Years. Every single day to let go, forgive him. But I simply couldn't. I have scars on my body to remind me of the abuse. I have scarred and painful memories in my brain which are deeply etched, that I can never forget them and move past.

I'm 34 now. But I'm broken, hurt, and tired. I want to be a happy person but the PTSD is real. I'm on again and off again on meds. I've prayed, I've developed new hobbies, had the fortune of making some really good friends who stood by me. But still, I relapse to the same miserable self. Crying and crying. I seem to not get rid of this dead weight in my heart.

What should I do? I want to be happy, forget all my 27 years and feel like I'm born again. How do I do that ? How do I stop these thoughts of killing myself to escape from these episodes of past? How do I learn to count my blessings, the good things and people in my life and completely forget the monster of a father I was cursed with.

Please. Somebody. Help me heal. It's a plea. I beg you. 🙏🏼