TW***

My second baby, my sweet boy.

It’s been hard from the get go. There was something so divine about my first sons conception, he was conceived out of a rape, and I was to the point of contemplating suicide completely debilitated with depression before I found out about him, then when I learned I was pregnant a switch flipped and it was survival and brought me to my faith. The connection has always felt so deep & innate.

My second, I was in a toxic relationship 21m-24m after having my first that was short lived as I saw red flags and left and found out a week later my birth control failed.

It’s been hard from the beginning. Feeling like I couldn’t bond with him properly because his dad was an ass and I had a hard time postpartum, in addition my first is very VERY behaviorally challenging. And he’s not ever been a lovey snuggly baby like my first was. He wants to sleep in his own space, he is very hot/cold and doesn’t know what he wants, he’s thrown tantrums since 10m old. I love him SO MUCH I just feel like I have a hard time knowing HOW to love him and fully soaking him in if that makes sense and feel so guilty for that.

I feel like since the BEGINNING when he was 2 weeks old my older son jumped up on the bed and bonked his little head and since then I have felt like I’m constantly failing in protecting him.

He was 7 months old and my older son managed to accidentally tip over the stroller thankfully he was strapped in and fine, He was playing peekaboo facing the closet door going from one side to the other and I was putting laundry away and his hand slipped and he hit his cheek and bruised it; about when that healed he when to put his hand and cruise on a little kid table with paper that wasn’t taped down yet and slipped and hit his other cheek and bruised it, climbed on the same table as I was trying to get him down his feet slipped out from under him and he hit the back of his head on the corner of the chair, the other day he fell into the corner of the cabinet on the play kitchen and broke skin on his cheek, he bonked his head on something I didn’t even know about but he has a bruise there, he’s constantly hitting his head, falling, etc. and I don’t know if it’s me, a second baby thing, just how he is or what..

I feel like I’m constantly right there and something happens and I just feel like I’m failing him. My older son rarely slipped and fell, hardly ever. He fell decent maybe once and it was when my parents were watching him. His dad just said that he’s only ever fallen once with them and I just feel even more inadequate. Granted he has him far less than I do, but I still just don’t know what the heck is wrong with me that I can’t keep these things from happening and feel like I am doing all that I can as is as I’m a single mom and wearing all the hats and zero help with my older son, maybe 8% help with my younger.

Urgh. Generally I feel like I’ve failed at bonding as deeply with him, failing at protecting him, failing in all areas. Am I alone in This?