I’ve had a wonderful friend who’s supported me through all of this but I just hate to always bug her.. so I’m posting here to vent but maybe also get some insight.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 7 years now. Early on in the relationship we felt that we would get married in the future. We had so much chemistry and infatuation became love and trust. We’ve been through a lot together, but we always were each other’s support. And though we did long distance for a couple of years (early in the relationship), we made it through and had a strong relationship. Even up to a month ago, we always smiled when we saw each other after work. Said I love you after phone conversations. That sort of thing. Of course we had some bumps in the road but we never went to sleep angry. So recent events have me baffled and heart broken.

We’re living together (for almost two years now). I work at a high school. He’s working out of town during weekends while finishing up his masters to be an NP. He only needs his boards and he’s done. This test and the fact that NP jobs are currently scarce due to covid, has got him very upset and he had a breakdown about a month ago. I did my best to be his support. But not two days after, he started being cold towards me. He started getting upset at me for minor insignificant things. I’ve always been calm about this sort of thing but I just got tired of it. Didn’t want to be a punching bag. So here and there I would fight fire with fire.

Eventually I got the courage to try to get him to talk to me. And across several conversations what I gathered was that he is “not happy” with several aspects of his life. And that he is upset at me for something. But he doesn’t want to “have that conversation now.” He said he’d talk to me about it in two months. (I had asked him when he would talk)

So I’ve been racking my brain on what when wrong. I know I’m not the sole cause of this but I’m just going crazy at how everything was seemingly ok just a month ago and now he doesn’t want to kiss me, doesn’t want to hug me, gives me forced I love yous. Sometimes we can still laugh together and have a meal, and sometimes he does try to make things normal. But I can tell his heart isn’t fully in it and I feel he’s doing it so I won’t break down or something.

I’ve had a lot of time to think and reflect on myself. I’ve been working on being ok with myself. Doing things on my own. Just to give him space. (And honestly been looking into what I would do if things go south, housing that kind of thing) I’ve been able to pinpoint a couple of things that I might have done to upset him and I just want to have an open conversation about it. I feel that more time passes the more we grow apart. But at the same time I want to respect his space and the timeline he’s given. Maybe he doesn’t feel he is in the right headspace to have a deep conversation right now.

I’m navigating how to be supportive (by giving space) but also not drive myself insane. We used to do things together a lot. Maybe that was part of the problem. Idk. But I miss being able to hug him and receive that love back. He used to look at me like I was the most important in his life and now he looks at me like a burden.

Oh ... did I mention he is my first bf, first kiss, intimate partner, first and only everything? 😞